CARRIE JONES DECIDES TO FINALLY ACT LIKE AN AUTHOR
February 10, 2020, Issue 1, Vol 1.
BAR HARBOR, MAINE — Sitting at her constantly breaking iMac and staring at the blank Microsoft Word document, young adult novelist gave it all up today and decided to act like a real novelist. Surrounded by her agent, her editors, and her dog she admitted that she might as well become one with the Hemingway.
“I always knew I was failing at being a writer,” she said while gulping down some boxed wine (red variety), “but I never understood what it was that I was missing. Now I know: it was misery. I was missing the whole misery element. But lately, I’ve been feeling really depressed and consequentially, I feel like more of a writer. That rocks!”
“You are a rock star baby,” her agent agreed. “But you’ve got a little of that wine on your chin. Ew. So gross.”
She then whisked out her iPad and texted her international rights agent about the philosophy of the Justin Bieber.
After apologizing for using adverbs in her above quote, Jones explained that she’d always been a happy and productive writer and she used to shake her head at other writers who would moan a lot about missing muses and being blocked.
“I thought they were just being pretentious,” she admitted. “I mean … seriously. .. muses? Like in that old movie Xanadu or something? It seemed so hoity-toity.”
Now she understands. Devastated by the thing people call winter (“All those cold dark days,” she murmured.), plus a cold that would not quit (“A woman can sniff in only so much before the snot affects the brain,” she added, sniffing in.), Jones has decided that despite the fact that she writes children’s books she is no longer going to skip and happy dance in her kitchen, she is instead — going to embrace the misery.
“I will wrap my arms around it and pull it to my heaving bosom,” she said and then added, “Oh. Was that too melodramatic? It was … It was … wasn’t it? Damn, can I do nothing right?”
Her editors pet her on the shoulder and offered more box wine or at least green tea admonishing her to buck up and hit her deadline.
“Her friends have already noticed a change. They have kindly inundated her with well meaning emails asking what is wrong,” said one editor who frantically pointed at the keyboard. “But that’s just making her procrastinate more.”
“But they’re writers,” Jones said sniffing some ModPodge, her newest addiction. “How do I know they aren’t just trying to get some sort of material for their own novels?”
Nobody responded to this question and in fact averted their gaze and put Jones on mute.
“Plus, the blogging. Why are all our YA authors all about the blogging?” the other editor wailed.
Jones added that her agent has called her multiple times for no reason in the last week.
“It’s my job to check in,” her agent said. “The well-being of my writers is very important to me.”
She then started texting again. She turned his attention back to Jones, her client. “You know I love you, baby.”
“She’s just worried I won’t finish the sequel” Jones sighed. “Although … it is nice hearing a human voice occasionally. You know she is human. And when she calls I remember how dialogue is supposed to go. Plus, I’m tired of talking to my computer.”
She then ate an entire carton of Edy’s Ice Cream Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough while the editors looked on. Jones paused in her ice cream fest long enough to sniff some more ModPodge and added, “Did I ever tell you that Steve Wedel said I was like a puppy? Or that Cynthia Leitich Smith said I was like a kitten? Yeah? Well, whatever, I’m telling you again. People used to pet my head and tell me what a good writer I was. .. Now… Now…”
She then started sobbing. “None of this would have happened if I had a writing group.”
I just published a super cool adult novel. Gasp! I know! Adult! That’s so …. grown-up?
Rosie Jones, small town reporter and single mom, is looking forward to her first quiet Maine winter with her young daughter, Lily. After a disastrous first marriage, she’s made a whole new life and new identities for her and her little girl. Rosie is more than ready for a winter of cookies, sledding, stories about planning board meetings, and trying not to fall in like with the local police sergeant, Seamus Kelley.
But after her car is tampered with and crashes into Sgt. Kelley’s cruiser during a blizzard, her quiet new world spirals out of control and back into the danger she thought she’d left behind. One of her new friends is murdered. She herself has been poisoned and she finds a list of anagrams on her dead friend’s floor.
As the killer strikes again, it’s obvious that the women of Bar Harbor aren’t safe. Despite the blizzard and her struggle to keep her new identity a secret, Rosie sets out to make sure no more women die. With the help of the handsome but injured Sgt. Kelley and the town’s firefighters, it’s up to Rosie to stop the murderer before he strikes again.
You can preorder it here. Please, please, preorder it.
So, um, please go buy it. I am being brave, but that means that despite all my reasons for doing this, I’m still terrified that nobody will buy it and I really, really love this book. A lot.
IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, ORDER NOW!
My new book, IN THE WOODS, is out!
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
Order this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
Buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site.
WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST- DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE
This link to our last episode, Are You Beige and Do You Think in Words?
The podcast link if you don’t see it above. Plus, it’s everywhere like Apple Music, iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and more. Just google, “DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE” then like and subscribe. This week’s episode is here!
BALLSY SPONSORED THIS EPISODE!
We’re super psyched because this episode is sponsored by Ballsy.
Best sponsorship ever.
And why is that?
Because Ballsy is for fun couples like us who are not into lame gifts for Valentine’s Day and they have a cool gift set just for Valentine’s Day and people like us.
You want this, don’t you?
They are running a promo right now for LOVE DAY and all days, really. The retail price is $less than $50, and the coupon code is for 20% off.
Here is your code for you, our cool listener: DOGS20
It has the word DOG in the code. That’s so cool. Just like you’ll be cool if you give this to your special man for Valentine’s. So go check Ballsy out at ballwash.com