I have a grocery list that is miles long because of the holidays.
Seriously, it’s so long. And I go to the grocery store.
Then I realize it. I have to get a grocery cart. I HATE grocery carts. No offense to you if you are reading this and you are, in fact, a grocery cart.
Why? Why do I hate them? Well, because you have to drive them. This is bad because:
1. I’m not a good driver. 2. There’s no horn on the grocery cart and sometimes you really REALLY need a horn like when the woman with the kid singing Dora the Explorer songs blocks THE ENTIRE PRODUCE AISLE because she’s parked her ginormous grocery cart sideways. SIDEWAYS!!! What is she thinking? 3. I can’t steer. 4. I really can’t steer grocery carts when one of the four dinky wheels goes all tar-rat-rat-rah-rat because it’s off balance. 5. I tend to knock things over. 6. I’m a floater not a driver. 7. Did I mention I’m not a good driver?
So, I buy MASSIVE amounts of food and go absolutely in debt for the rest of my life.
Side note: Why do crackers cost $5.99?
Side note #2: And I haven’t bought sliced meat for a long, long time because I am anti-sliced meat. NO OFFENSE TO YOU IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE A PIECE OF SALAMI. I bought it to wrap asparagus in and it costs like a MILLION TRILLION dollars.
But then, when I’m just standing there in the really long line someone bumps into me WITH THEIR GROCERY CART.
I swear if those things ever go AI, I’m going to be dead within the first week.
My little, creepy book baby is out in the world because who doesn’t want sad, quirky, horror with some romantic bits for the holiday season?
So, I have survived Christmas 1 and 2 in the house, and it was basically super cool amazing and I should really post about it, but instead I am going to post about holiday traditions.
So here it goes…
TRADITION NUMBER ONE:
First we get a tree. See earlier post by my dog, Tala, to understand this process. Then we put up tree. It is a crooked kind of perfect and it somehow manages to stay up.
TRADITION NUMBER TWO:
In this tree we put elves. These elves are secret Santa spies. They move around. They report back about the whole naughty/nice thing.
The Emster (my daughter)? She hates these elves.
She wants the elves to die.
Emster’s ELF DEATH WISH is why we put them high in the tree.
They wisely stay high when they move around. The Emster is a formidable opponent. Elf Number Two does not understand this. Check out his fighting pose.
TRADITION NUMBER THREE:
For some strange reason we have a swaying snow couple that sings the whole controversial BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE song.
Did you know Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton have a version of this song?
And as much as I love Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton and respect them for the zombie people that they are, I can’t stand this song any more because … okay, are you ready?…. because it makes me think of Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart FORNICATING!!!
And, well, the final aspect of this tradition is that Mr. Snowman always seems to end up in a position where he seems to be feeling up Mrs. Snowman. This seems wrong.
I know snow people need a little joy in their lives, but look at the smiles on their faces. Do they not seem like they are getting a little too much pleasure out of the situation.
And here’s a hint snow couple: WE ALL CAN SEE YOU!!! I’m sure Rod and Dolly don’t do it in public. I mean there are not Parton/Stewart sex tapes are there?
Please, for the love of all things Twitter, let there not be any of those out there.
Tradition Number Four
An advent calendar. Nice and easy there, folks. I thought you might need a little break after the love fest.
Tradition Numbers 5, 6, Etc, because I’m getting tired.
We also chalk the initials of the three wise men above our front door.
We also burn a yule log we make.
We also hide a pickle on the tree. Find the pickle = get a present.
Jesus has a little parade and goes into the manger on Christmas Eve.
We sometimes open one present on Christmas Eve and it is a book.
We smash a peppermint pig when we remember to.
We have seven fishes at dinner the night before.
If there are any fortune cookies anywhere, we read the fortunes and add “IN BED” because that’s the way this family has always rolled.
Speaking of rolls, we have cinnamon rolls and fruit salad for Christmas Breakfast with Em and southern Christmas food for Christmas morning when Em’s at her dad’s.
Santa Mouse also always hides a yellow ribboned present on the tree. GO TEAM SANTA MOUSE!
And we always make a birthday cake for Jesus.
Yeah, it says, Grandma. But it’s kind of the same thing:
1.They both want what’s best for you.
2. They both tell a lot of stories about things that happened centuries ago.
3. They both think that THEY KNOW EVERYTHING, and if you’re a Christian, they kind of do. At least Jesus does. You’ve got to forgive Grandma for loving gross stuff like Moxie and saying that it’ll grow hairs on your chest though, because, quite frankly, she is old. And she does not ACTUALLY know everything, because she is grandma and not God.
4. They both say JESUS CHRIST a lot. Jesus does because it’s his name. Grandma does because… well, her dentures give her some trouble and Don Vicente Fernández died this year. But enough with the nice stuff… let’s move on to:
Tradition Number Too High For Me To Count
A love fest! We always put out the Playmobile Santa House.
Isn’t it cute?
Doesn’t the elf at the door look like he’s saying, C’mon inside. It’s warm. There are cookies. Hold on let me go get Santa and the Little Mrs.
And yet… And yet… This is what we ALWAYS find in there.
Seriously, why else do you think there’s so many darn elves?
You have to love tradition.
Do you have any cool traditions in your house for any holidays? Let me know if you have a chance!
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!