So, I survived thinking the solistice was yesterday. It is today.
And after that horror show in which we did all our solstice celebrating a day early, I’m ready to move on to our Christmas tradition and just forget this massive brain glitch happened.
TRADITION NUMBER ONE:
First we get a tree. Then we put up tree. It is a crooked kind of perfect and it somehow manages to stay up despite the cats pulling ornaments off it and Gabby knocking it over when she tries to bark at the UPS man and all squirrels and all life forms, even trees.
TRADITION NUMBER TWO:
Historically, in this tree we put elves. These elves are secret Santa spies. They move around. They report back about the whole naughty/nice thing.
The Emster? She hates these elves.
She wants the elves to die.
Please do not kill me, Emster. I will tell Santa that you are an angel! I swear. That is if I can ever get myself out of the fetal position.
Emster’s ELF DEATH WISH is why we put them high in the tree.
They wisely stay high when they move around and don’t go on shelves because they want to survive… traditionally.
The Emster is a formidable opponent. Elf Number Two does not understand this. Check out his fighting pose.
Dude, I may be fabric and wire, but I can totally take her. C’mon over here, Emster. You wanna piece of elf? I’m gonna give you a taste of elf you ain’t never gonna forget.
So, anyways, the elves have died thanks to humidity and dog slobber and some sort of zombie elf disease (Not the Emster, she swears.) and now we have Big Foot hiding in the tree and being elusive like she is.
TRADITION NUMBER THREE:
For some strange reason we have a swaying snow couple that sings the whole hot-pot sexy BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE song. Did you know Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton have a version of this song?
And as much as I love Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton and respect them for the zombie people that they are, I can’t stand this song any more because… okay, are you ready?…. because it makes me think of Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart FORNICATING!!!
Breathe deeply, Carrie. Breathe deep. You know it’s all sexy, baby.
And, well, the final aspect of this tradition is that Mr. Snowman always seems to end up in a position where he seems to be feeling up Mrs. Snowman.
This seems wrong. I know snow people need a little joy in their lives, but look at the smiles on their faces. Do they not seem like they are getting a little too much pleasure out of the situation.
And here’s a hint snow couple: WE ALL CAN SEE YOU!!!
I’m sure Rod and Dolly don’t do it in public. I mean there are not Parton/Stewart sex tapes are there? Take a hint, guys. I beg you, take the hint!
Tradition Number Four
An advent calendar. Nice and easy there, folks. I thought you might need a little break after the love fest.
We also chalk the initials of the three wise men above our front door at a certain time.
We also burn a yule log we make.
We also hide a pickle on the tree. Find the pickle = get a present.
Santa Mouse also always hides a yellow ribboned present on the tree. GO TEAM SANTA MOUSE!
And we always make a birthday cake for Jesus because it’s supposed to be his birthday.
Yeah, the cake says, Grandpa. But it’s kind of the same thing:
1.They both want what’s best for you.
2. They both tell a lot of stories about things that happened centuries ago.
3. They both think that THEY KNOW EVERYTHING, and if you’re a Christian, they kind of do. At least Jesus does. You’ve got to forgive Grandpa for loving gross stuff like Moxie and saying that it’ll grow hairs on your chest though, because, quite frankly, he is old. And he does not ACTUALLY know everything, because he is grandpa and not God.
4. They both say JESUS CHRIST a lot. Jesus does because it’s his name. Grandpa does because… Well, his dentures give him some trouble.
But enough with the nice stuff… let’s move on to:
Tradition Number Five
A love fest!
We always put out the Playmobile Santa House.
Isn’t it cute?
Doesn’t the elf at the door look like he’s saying, C’mon inside. It’s warm. There are cookies. Hold on let me go get Santa and the Little Mrs.
This is what we ALWAYS find in there.
Also, I am so sorry, Solstice, for messing up so badly. It’s been a year.
LET’S HANG OUT!
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