Potato Tacos of Awesome

Print Recipe
Potato Tacos of Awesome
This recipe is adapted from shelikesfood.com
Cuisine american
Servings
humans
Cuisine american
Servings
humans
Instructions
  1. You need to find a knife. Do not think about suicidal confessional poets from the 1960s. Just find a knife.
  2. Use the knife to cut the potatoes into bite-sized pieces. Don’t ponder about what ‘bite-sized’ means. Don’t riff on how different people have different mouth sizes and therefore different bite sizes. Just cut the potatoes. Cut them on a cutting board!
  3. Get a large pot. Put the cut-up potatoes in the pot. Fill the pot with water. Think about this. Are these the characters in your story, perculating under your subconscious? Ready to make something happen in your plot? Yes. Yes. They are.
  4. Boil those characters for 15-20 minutes. They should be fork tender. What does that even mean fork tender? Aren’t we all fork tender, us humans? So easily hurt.
  5. Cry.
  6. Drain the potatoes, those poor tender potatoes. Pause to write a poem. Make sure when you come back that those little sweet potatoes are pretty dry.
  7. Cast aside your feelings. It’s time to get serious. Find a skillet. Do not comtemplate the last time you used a skillet as a prop device in your murder-mystery staring your ex boss. Instead, turn the stove burner on to medium heat. Put that skillet on the burner. Yes, the same burner that you’ve turned on.
  8. In the skillet, put olive oil, potatoes, and spices. Double up the spices if you aren’t afraid. You want depth to your story. I mean recipe.
  9. Stir it up like it’s a good plot.
  10. Cook it for 3-5 minutes. Flip it. Cook it on that side for 3-5 more minutes. You want it crisp, but not burnt. Use your own judgement about what constitutes crisp. You can do it! I believe in you!
  11. Find the corn tortillas. Put potatoes in them. Put the other toppings in them. Hope for good reviews on Amazon and GoodReads. I mean, hope your family likes them.
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TIPS ON MAKING DEVILED EGGS – Cooking With a Writer

Okay. I’m still talking about deviled eggs because? Well, you’ll see.

Tips on Making Deviled Eggs

1. Here’s a hint: They are called devilled eggs for a reason.


2. And, no, it is not because of the little hint of jalepeno that gives them a kick.


3. It’s because you have to HARD BOIL the little suckers first, and there are all these rules about boiling them. 


Yes, rules about boiling an egg. 


4. Boiling an egg should be simple.


5. It isn’t. 


6. It really isn’t simple if you get distracted by the fact that the 90-second rice pouch you put in the microwave just exploded.


7. But this is about eggs, not exploding rice pouches.


8. So, if you manage to boil the egg, then plunge the poor thing in cold, cold water, you must then PEEL THE EGG!


9. Eggs are not meant to be peeled. This is why they are eggs. Not bananas.

10. If you have happy, young fresh eggs they are harder to peel. The old buggers are better. 


11. Be prepared to sacrifice many, many eggs in your egg peeling quest for the perfect egg to devil.


11. Once, eggs are peeled, halved, and stuffed do not be offended when people in house say, “Holy crud. It’s like the egg has acne pits or something.”


12. Do not be offended when people in the house say, “Um? Are you sure this is a devilled egg? Should it be all wobbly like this? And gooey? It’s kind of gooey.”


13. Do not be offended when people in the house say, “Next time, can we just buy the premade kind in the grocery store.”


14. And do not have hurt feelings when they do not celebrate with you because you keep saying, “But look at the yolk. It isn’t green. That’s a big achievement, not to have green yolks.”


15. Do not throw eggs at them.


16. Or men in banana suits.


17 Just accept that you are not a gifted devilled egg maker. We can not be gifted in all things eggy. You are a good scrambler. Be happy with this.

WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed! 

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things! 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg

Cheesy Broccoli of Horror’s Renaissance

Print Recipe
Cheesey Broccoli Minus the Velvet
Cheesey Broccoli Minus the Velvetta because it's expensive and also processed even though it's super delicious. This bad boy is adapted from Dinner At the Zoo
Cheesy Broccoli of Horror's Renaissance
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
cheese lovers
Ingredients
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
cheese lovers
Ingredients
Cheesy Broccoli of Horror's Renaissance
Instructions
  1. Think about how horror is having a renaissance and decide to make all your works in progress about horror somehow. You can do this. Let's start now.
  2. Find a bowl, look at your reflection is that you or shadow you? Is it the demon inside? Ignore this possibility and instead add cheese and corn starch. Combine it until all reflective surfaces are gone.
  3. Put that mixture and evaporated milk into a pan. DO NOT LOOK AT REFLECTIVE SURFACES!
  4. Put it on low heat. Watch the gauge turn it to medium heat. Turn it back to low.
  5. What was that behind you? Nothing. No. Just the cat. Ha! Jump scare.
  6. It was a jump scare, wasn't it?
  7. Realize you might not be cut out to write horror. Stir until cheese has melted like a bad guy's face in an Indiana Jones movie. The sauce should be thick, smooth like blood.
  8. If it's too thick (like maybe your plot?) add more milk.
  9. Use salt and pepper. Don't think you heard the shower turn on.
  10. Did someone whisper, "Too much salt is bad for the heart?"
  11. No. No of course they didn't. Turn off the stove burner. Unplug the stove for good measure. Poor the cheese over the broccoli. Lock the doors.

When I was little (okay all the way through high school), the only way my mom would eat broccoli or cauliflower was if she smothered it in Velveeta cheese mixed with skim milk.

This, of course, would terrify the healthy people of this world.

So, I found a recipe on dinneratthezoo and adapted it. To see the real recipe, check out the link. And let me give a shout-out to that website, which is just beautifully done.

So, what was the verdict in the House That I’m Trying To Make More Vegetarian?

Man Verdict

I miss Velveeta.

Dog Verdict

Are we allowed cheese? Or broccoli?

My Verdict

I miss my mom. This is good though.


WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app. Our latest episode is above. It’s also on YouTube here.

Cheesey Broccoli Minus the Velvetta


Print Recipe


Cheesey Broccoli Minus the Velvet

Cheesey Broccoli Minus the Velvetta because it's expensive and also processed even though it's super delicious.

This bad boy is adapted from Dinner At the Zoo

Cheesy Broccoli of Horror's Renaissance

Cuisine american

Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes

Servings
cheese lovers


Ingredients

Cuisine american

Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes

Servings
cheese lovers


Ingredients

Cheesy Broccoli of Horror's Renaissance


Instructions
  1. Think about how horror is having a renaissance and decide to make all your works in progress about horror somehow. You can do this. Let's start now.

  2. Find a bowl, look at your reflection is that you or shadow you? Is it the demon inside? Ignore this possibility and instead add cheese and corn starch. Combine it until all reflective surfaces are gone.

  3. Put that mixture and evaporated milk into a pan. DO NOT LOOK AT REFLECTIVE SURFACES!

  4. Put it on low heat. Watch the gauge turn it to medium heat. Turn it back to low.

  5. What was that behind you? Nothing. No. Just the cat. Ha! Jump scare.

  6. It was a jump scare, wasn't it?

  7. Realize you might not be cut out to write horror. Stir until cheese has melted like a bad guy's face in an Indiana Jones movie. The sauce should be thick, smooth like blood.

  8. If it's too thick (like maybe your plot?) add more milk.

  9. Use salt and pepper. Don't think you heard the shower turn on.

  10. Did someone whisper, "Too much salt is bad for the heart?"

  11. No. No of course they didn't. Turn off the stove burner. Unplug the stove for good measure. Poor the cheese over the broccoli.

    Lock the doors.

Stuffed Eggs Like My Aunts Made

Print Recipe
Stuffed Eggs
Eggs stuffed with Stuff
Stuffed Egg Recipe
Cuisine american
Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 0 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Cuisine american
Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 0 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Stuffed Egg Recipe
Instructions
  1. Hard boil the eggs. Feel positive. You've got this.
  2. Peel the eggs.
  3. Cut the eggs in half.
  4. Worry about the eggs. It must be hard to be boiled, peeled, and cut in half. It feels like having your book reviewed.
  5. Find wine.
  6. Sip it like the writer you are and DO NOT CHUG it because some random reviewer is probably watching right now and judging.
  7. Be thankful that there aren't life reviewers.
  8. Remember to be grateful that there are book reviewers because even if they hated your book that's okay. It means one other person beside your mom actually read the book.
  9. Toast book reviewers.
  10. Continue cooking. Scoop out the yolks. Mash those yolks and then add mayo and mustard.
  11. Season it. Think of how you can use these stuffed eggs as an objective correlative of your life.
  12. Decide against that. Drink another sip. REMEMBER NOT TO GUZZLE!
  13. Season the yolk mixture. Put it inside the white part of the eggs' empty cavity. Look at you replacing what was lost and making things better and tastier. Feel proud writer.
  14. Cut tomatoes in half. Be careful because you've had wine and now you're using a knife.
  15. Put each tomato half on top of a tiny piece of lettuce.
  16. It looks so pretty! EAT THEM ALL! DO NOT SHARE! You deserve it writer, plus low carbs. WIN!

My aunts always refused to call stuffed eggs, deviled eggs because they were pretty sure that would make the devil come hang out in their kitchen.

Nobody wants the devil in their kitchen.

My mom thought this was nonsense. She also thought stuffed eggs required relish or pickles and putting lettuce or a tomato on top was sinful and that’s what would make the devil come to your kitchen.

And there you have their relationship all wrapped up in an egg. Oh! The aunts were pro-Coke and my mom was all Pepsi all the time. That might help envision the situation.

Anyways, I made the eggs and hopefully the ghosts of my aunts and the ghost of my mom are bickering over it right now. 🙂

Man Verdict:

Why would you ruin a good egg with a tomato? Hold on while I pick it off.

Dogs’ Verdict:

All eggs are good eggs. Thank you.

My Verdict:

I love everyone. The end. No, also I love these eggs.


WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app. Our latest episode is above. It’s also on YouTube here.

Brood Me Up – Cheese Daisies Recipe

Print Recipe
Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies
Cheese Daisies are amazing. The end. This recipe is adapted from Charleston Receipts.
Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies Recipe
Prep Time 30 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes of chilling
Servings
people
Ingredients
Prep Time 30 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes of chilling
Servings
people
Ingredients
Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies Recipe
Instructions
  1. Writers are supposed to be brooding. Let us brood
  2. Cream that butter and then cream the butter and cheeses together. Pretend it is everyone who ever told you that writers were supposed to brood.
  3. They don't define you. You define you.
  4. Sift flour with salt and pepper. Look at the grains clutch each other like a happy writer community. Add it into the creamed stuff.
  5. Writer communities are made up of all kind of writers with all kind of differences, damn it. And some of us are not brooding.
  6. Repeat after me as you chill for a half hour, "Writers can be happy. Writers can be happy."
  7. Once the dough is chill and you are chill (30 minutes) take it out of the chilling place and roll it out.
  8. Use a small biscuit cutter and feel good about it. Make some of them less uniform because EVERYTHING DOES NOT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE SAME!
  9. Regain your chill.
  10. Spray a sheet pan. But the cheese daisies into the oven that's at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Cook for 12 minutes.
  11. Eat all the servings. Be happy.

Hey! I’ve been thinking about writer stereotypes and how we’re all supposed to be brooding and it made me brood! No. It’s just annoying.

This recipe is old, old, old and Shaun insists it’s Southern.

Who knows? I just know it’s adorable because it has the word ‘daisies’ in it.

I hope you like it!

And if you feel like supporting us, please check out my Patreon or any of the things below. Or just like and share. It’s all good.

Man Verdict:

Yum

Dog’s Verdict:

We adore this.

My Verdict:

Carbs are magic.


WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app. Our latest episode is above. It’s also on YouTube here.


Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell

Print Recipe
Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell
This is a recipe adapted from thespruceats.com and epicurious, which are awesome websites.
Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell
Course side dish
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Course side dish
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell
Instructions
  1. Realize that you have to cut 11,000 words out of your time travel story.
  2. Die inside.
  3. Realize that even though you've worked on it for three days straight, you've only cut 3,000 words. Decide you need fries but then remember that you don't eat potatoes anymore.
  4. Hate yourself for your decisions.
  5. Decide to make tempeh fries instead. Get out the tempeh and cut in into French-fry shapes. If you squint hard enough, you could maybe fool yourself into thinking they are really French fries.
  6. Wonder if there's a way you can fool your agent into thinking you've cut 11k out of your story.
  7. Put an inch of water in a big skillet and boil it. Realize this is an objective correlative to your anxiety level, boiling past calmness. Simmer the tempeh in there for 10 minutes so something good comes of all this.
  8. In a bowl put the cornmeal and salt together and mix them. Roll the tempeh in there so stuff sticks.
  9. Cry.
  10. Wonder why you are a writer.
  11. Medium-high heat is important so set things to that. Put a skillet on the burner Put the oil in the skillet. Sauté the tempeh. This should be 2 minutes on one side and then the other. Drain it on a paper towel because JUST LIKE TOO MANY WORDS, TOO MUCH GREASE IS A BAD THING, APPARENTLY.
  12. Make the dip by combining the remaining ingredients. Sob into it. Decide to just cut off the first half of the book and call it good..

So, yeah. This happened.

Man Verdict: Why are you crying into your tempeh?

Me: I gave up potatoes.

Man: Why?

My Verdict: Because I obviously hate myself and carbs are bad

Man: This tastes good though.

Dogs: Please make steak.


WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m be reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app. Our latest episode is below. It’s also on YouTube here.

Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell


Print Recipe


Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell

This is a recipe adapted from thespruceats.com and epicurious, which are awesome websites.

Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell

Course side dish
Cuisine american

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes

Servings
people


Ingredients

Course side dish
Cuisine american

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes

Servings
people


Ingredients

Tempeh Fries of Revision Hell


Instructions
  1. Realize that you have to cut 11,000 words out of your time travel story.

  2. Die inside.

  3. Realize that even though you've worked on it for three days straight, you've only cut 3,000 words. Decide you need fries but then remember that you don't eat potatoes anymore.

  4. Hate yourself for your decisions.

  5. Decide to make tempeh fries instead. Get out the tempeh and cut in into French-fry shapes. If you squint hard enough, you could maybe fool yourself into thinking they are really French fries.

  6. Wonder if there's a way you can fool your agent into thinking you've cut 11k out of your story.

  7. Put an inch of water in a big skillet and boil it. Realize this is an objective correlative to your anxiety level, boiling past calmness. Simmer the tempeh in there for 10 minutes so something good comes of all this.

  8. In a bowl put the cornmeal and salt together and mix them. Roll the tempeh in there so stuff sticks.

  9. Cry.

  10. Wonder why you are a writer.

  11. Medium-high heat is important so set things to that. Put a skillet on the burner Put the oil in the skillet. Sauté the tempeh. This should be 2 minutes on one side and then the other. Drain it on a paper towel because JUST LIKE TOO MANY WORDS, TOO MUCH GREASE IS A BAD THING, APPARENTLY.

  12. Make the dip by combining the remaining ingredients. Sob into it. Decide to just cut off the first half of the book and call it good..

Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow In Case You Might Not Get A Birthday Cake or Whatever…

may be secretly terrified that nobody makes me a birthday cake for tomorrow, but I don’t want to admit this fear or bake my own in case someone else gets me one. Hint. Hint.

Print Recipe
Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow
Cooking With a Writer Presents the Best Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow Recipe ever to clog your arteries and give you joy.
Prep Time 25 minutes
Cook Time 25 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Prep Time 25 minutes
Cook Time 25 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Cooking With a Writer Presents the Best Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow Recipe ever to clog your arteries and give you joy.
Instructions
  1. Okay. Let's say it's almost your birthday and you're worried that nobody is going to remember or make the effort to make you a cake. YOU ARE A WRITER! You can do anything and deal with any outcome. You will make cake bars and that way you aren't making your own cake, but you also get to celebrate your birthday with sugar. SO TURN THE OVEN ON 350 Fahrenheit.
  2. Do not cry.
  3. Making cakes is just not some people's love language. It's okay. YOU ARE STILL LOVED.
  4. Find a big bowl. Resist the urge to hide in it. Instead combine cake mix, butter and 1/3 cup of milk.
  5. Look at you, gifting yourself with the gift of sugar that will go straight to your already shaking hands. Go writer! You go!
  6. Find an electric mixer, put the speed on medium. Beat that stuff until it feels smooth and you don't want to beat against your chest anymore.
  7. Prepare a baking pan with some sort of non-stick help (a spray, butter, vegetable oil) and then put half the dough you just made on it. Wish that people loved you. Wish that writing books was this easy.
  8. Find a sauce pan and put it on medium low heat. Add caramels and rest of the milk (⅓ cup) and still until it's all melted. Again we want it smooth, unlike actual life with its bumps and holes to fall into. Smooth.
  9. Pour that over the dough in the pan.
  10. Put the nuts on top. Put the chocolate pieces on top. Cheat and eat the chocolate now. Write an ode to chocolate. Worry about global warming's impact on chocolate. Go recycle things and come back and vow not to buy so much.
  11. Feel hopeless.
  12. Eat another piece of chocolate while you still can and then pour the rest of the dough on top of everything. It should be smooth and beautiful.
  13. Put that pan in the stove and bake for 25 minutes. Let it cool. Write. Make it into nice even bars. Eat it while still hoping someone makes you a birthday cake.
Recipe Notes

This recipe was inspired by Midwest Living, which has a ton of recipes on its awesome site, which you should totally check out. 

I may be secretly terrified that nobody makes me a birthday cake for tomorrow, but I don’t want to admit this fear or bake my own in case someone else gets me one. Hint. Hint.

So, I did this instead.

DO NOT JUDGE!

Man Verdict: Have I ever forgotten to get you a birthday cake?

Dog Verdict: Please drop the whole tray.

My Verdict: Almost as good as cake.

Do not believe her. She is a woman who does this to me, her dog.

YouTube

We’ve started cooking on video. Shaun does this one and it’s our first, so be kind even as he does the Chicken Liver Thrust Dance. My video channel is also starting to host the podcast as well as writing tips and more. Check it out here. Please subscribe! It’s free!


WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I’m going to launch my Patreon site where I’ll be reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app. Our latest episode is below. It’s also on YouTube here.

Authors Are LIARS – Let’s Pretend It Ain’t Winter Smoothie Recipe

Print Recipe
Let's Pretend It Ain't Winter Smoothie Recipe
This recipe is adapted from life and also an All Recipes by Licia McClung O'Neill! Many thanks to Licia!
Let's Pretend It Ain't Winter Smoothie Recipe
Course drinks, side dish
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 0 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Course drinks, side dish
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 0 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Let's Pretend It Ain't Winter Smoothie Recipe
Instructions
  1. Dear God, how is it still winter?
  2. Winter will never end
  3. Winter is not coming, Game of Thrones people. Winter is freaking here.
  4. Okay. Try to breathe. The days will eventually get longer. The sun will eventually shine. You can fight this! YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS NEVER-ENDING WHITENESS AND COLD.
  5. Find your blender. Wipe the ice off it. Remember all the happy times you and your blender had in the summer? You can do that again.
  6. Pour juice into blender.
  7. Remember being warm. Remember not having to constantly wear layers. Remember when your fingers weren't too frozen to text or type.
  8. Add fruit to blender.
  9. Though your brain is frozen, remember to put the cover on the blender and turn it on. Blend. Make it smooth. This takes 1 minute.
  10. Try not to drink summer right out of the blender, but put it in glasses (two). Drink. Remember what it was to be warm.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the best person to live in a climate that has winter.

I develop anxiety every night – just this slow-roll that starts at 8 p.m. and ends when I finally fall asleep. It’s like a constant hum of, “YOU WILL DIE SOON. HUMANS ARE MORTAL. THE NIGHT IS DARK AND SO IS YOUR FUTURE. MUAH-HA-HA-HA.”

Then I wake up. I’m fine. I look at the world of white and it starts again. If a psychiatrist ever looked at the use of ‘snow’ and ‘cold’ as imagery in my books they’d be like, “Yo, this writer has a vendetta against cold.”

And the above recipe? It was my attempt to trick my brain into summer-time thoughts. Did it work?

Man Verdict: This would be amazing with alcohol.

Dogs’ Verdict: This would be amazing with dog treats dipped inside. Where is the box of dog treats?

My Verdict: There is still snow outside, but inside of me is tropical.



WRITING AND OTHER NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is b5314ed645a47991655395d180f52f5c.jpg

HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON

On February first, I’m going to launch my Patreon site where I’ll be reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is The-Last-Gods-3.jpg

WHAT IS PATREON? 

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Superheroes-7-1.jpg


HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


BE A PART OF THE PODCAST!

Hey! If you download the Anchor application, you can call into the podcast, record a question, or just say ‘hi,’ and we’ll answer. You can be heard on our podcast! Sa-sweet!

No question is too wild. But just like Shaun does, try not to swear, okay?

Here is the link to the mobile app.

ART.

I do art stuff. You can find it and buy a print here. 

Bar Harbor Art Carrie Jones Welcome to Magic
Bar Harbor Art Carrie Jones Welcome to Magic

TIME STOPPERS!

You can order my middle grade fantasy novel Time Stoppers Escape From the Badlands here or anywhere.

People call it a cross between Harry Potter and Percy Jackson but it’s set in Maine. It’s full of adventure, quirkiness and heart.

Time Stoppers Carrie Jones Middle grade fantasy

FLYING AND ENHANCED

Men in Black meet Buffy the Vampire Slayer? You know it. You can buy them here or anywhere. It’s fun, accessible science fiction. ImageImage

31702754 copy