For the past few weeks, we’ve been talking about writing archetypes for our characters and how they also apply to the real life humans we used to meet and interact with before Covid-19.
There are lists out there all over the place about this. Most have slight variations on the number of archetypes or the names of the archetypes.
An archetype is an emotion, character type, or event that is notably recurrent across the human experience. In the arts, an archetype creates an immediate sense of familiarity, allowing an audience member to relate to an event or character without having to necessarily ponder why they relate. Thanks to our instincts and life experiences, we’re able to recognize archetypes without any need for explanation.
MasterClass People
Last week we talked about the seducers, the week before we talked about the misfits and mavericks. This week, we’re going easy on you with the creator.
According to MasterClass, the creator is, “A motivated visionary who creates art or structures during the narrative.”
They make things! Like writers! They usually have willpower. They are sometimes self-involved. Or they suck at practical things.
“Also known as the artist, innovator, inventor, architect, musician, and dreamer, the Creator is solely focused on examining the boundaries or our reality and perception. As a character, they often take the position of the well-meaning scientist, or savant artist.
The Creator carries an inexhaustible imagination, often excelling at their chosen vocation. When presenting as a mortal character in a reality-based world, he is often portrayed as a man ahead of his time. There are often better examples of this archetype in the real world (Galileo, Einstein, Mozart, Steve Jobs) than in fiction!
Mediocrity is the Creator’s worst fear. Whether this result comes from concept or execution doesn’t matter. The creator wishes to be an authentic voice in a world of white noise. They gain rivals easily, answering those challenges with innovation in their work, and their personal outlook.”
All of these characters are white. When researching this, we were overwhelmed by the lack of examples of BIPOC. It’s another glaring example of a lack of diversity in books and movies. And it’s super frustrating.
To create things of enduring value To see a vision realized To hone artistic control and skill To create culture through self-expression
LIKELY FEARS
To have a mediocre vision To only execute a vision half-way To believe all is an illusion To remain unchanged/unmoved by beauty
Writing Tip of the Pod
We need all types of stories. When you create, think about who your archetypes are. If you are creating and expressing yourself, are you doing so in a way that is beautiful, clear, and fair to the rest of the world?
Dog Tip for Life
Single minded obsession is never good unless it’s about making bacon.
SHOUT OUT
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
DOG INSPIRATION
Every weekday, our dogs have inspirational or motivating tweets on Carrie’s Twitter. Go check it out and be her Twitter friend.
The kittens felt left out.
WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.
I have a new book out!!!!!! It’s an adult mystery set in the town where we live, which is Bar Harbor, Maine. You can order it here. And you totally should.
Vivian Garcia Rodriguez is a secretly the queen to pixie Astley from my NEED series, but we’re not really going to tell anyone, right? Sadly, fate currently has them in different worlds but luckily for us, Vivian is in our world today! Math tutor, cosplayer with a flare for everything, I’m so psyched to have Vivian with us today.
Vivian talked to us while she was in lockdown because of Covid-19 and in her home in Puerto Rico. We talk about how cosplay makes her more confident and forces her not to pick the farthest seat away from the board at school and how different books help build up people and friendships.
So many apologies for not posting a bonus episode. I (Carrie) have epilepsy and I had a bit of a seizure last week after a really long time of no seizures (Yay!) and posting a bonus podcast was the thing that had to fall off my to-do list.
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!
A lot of writers use archetypes in their stories. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we’re doing it, actually.
There’s something really compelling about the heroes that don’t quite fit in especially the mavericks. The Huck Finns and Han Solos of the world and/or universe.
For whatever reason, the mavericks have turned away from civilization. Maybe it’s to find out what happened to their missing mom. Maybe it’s because their own elite family oppressed them and their quirks. Maybe it’s because they are doing a Thoreau and they wanted to see what it was like to be Spartan and nonconformist in a society that stresses conformity above all else.
Literary critic, Northrop Frye wrote about mavericks as heroes in novels in the U.S. and said,
“Placed outside the structure of civilization and therefore represents the force of physical nature, amoral or ruthless, yet with a sense of power, and often leadership, that society has impoverished itself by rejecting.”
Northrop Frye
To conform or to not conform has often been the question. Apologies to Shakespeare. And it’s been a question both in American society and in its books, right?
How the main character fits into mainstream society is often the subject of some really good and compelling books like Gone With the Wind or To Kill a Mockingbird. They reject conforming. They strike out on their own.
The maverick is a character archtype.
Here’s the definition of an archetype from studiobinder.com
“An archetype is a consistent and typical version of a particular thing. It can be human, an object, or a particular set of behaviors, but the point is that it fits into a time-tested mold that embodies a pure form.”
studiobinder.com
Anyways, though that site is about scriptwriting, I think it has a lot of great information about writing characters.
It asks:
“Why do character archetypes exist?
“Human beings tend to find their place within a group dynamic based around their strongest personality traits.
“You may have a group of friends with similar interests…
“But often one will be the “social butterfly” while another will be the “homebody.”
“Your friends will begin to identify each other by these consistent traits.
“You’ve now defined yourself by a character archetype.”
studiobinder.com again.
The maverick archetype is obviously one of many, but what of their key motivations is the act of self-preservation. They break the rules to get their goals. Brave. Competent. Sometimes a bit snippy. Their temper is a bit fiery.
That pull between convention and autonomy has the possibility of making a story truly stick out as something extraordinarily special. Don’t be afraid to lean into it.
I (Carrie) am not a fan of Gone With The Wind because I couldn’t stand Scarlett and the racial tones that happen throughout, but the characters are iconic and are a good reference point for us writers when we think about maverick characters.
Are you a maverick? Do you write them? What’s your archetype? We’ll be looking at different ones the next few months. It’s fun.
Writing Tip of the Pod:
Don’t make all your characters mavericks, but don’t avoid them either. Have you mixed up the archetypes in your story?
Dog Tip For Life:
It’s okay to cultivate your own inner maverick.
Dog Tweets of Love: Gabby and Sparty. Sparty is food focused. We’re sure you can’t tell.
WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.
This week’s episode link if you can’t see it above.
SHOUT OUT
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
Dog Inspiration
Every weekday, our dogs have inspirational or motivating tweets on Carrie’s Twitter. Go check it out and be her Twitter friend.
COME WRITE WITH Carrie!
I coach, have a class, and edit things for you. It’s super fun. I promise.
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!
As we do this podcast, the United States is full of protests and pain, Covid-19 is still happening, people are being hurt, people are dying. So, it’s a lot to take in and a lot to process and worry about so for this podcast we’re going to focus on a simple writing tip.
Ready?
Story is made up of sentences. You want your sentences to be strong. Strong sentences stem from their beginnings. When the beginning sucks, the whole foundation can suck.
It sounds like a metaphor for a government, doesn’t it?
Anyways, in English, you want the strongest words on the left-hand side of the sentence.
Strength comes from the beginning of the sentences and the rest of the words branch out from there. So what are the strongest words you want to put on the left side?
Nouns and verbs. They are our friends, our battle weapons. Nouns and verbs ignite the fires of imagination.
Here’s an example of a sentence that’s pretty long, but strong because it begins with solid words:
Reporters collapsed after cops in riot gear shot rubber pellets directly at their cameraman and on-scene correspondent last night in Louisville, making them understand a little bit more the systemic violence and dehumanization that can happen when power is in the hands of few elements of society. White people weren’t used to that especially not reporters used to watching as others lose their rights, are crushed beneath knees and vehicle wheels and arrested without cause.
Random nonpolitical sentence.
Sentences don’t always have to branch. Sentences pack powerful punches even when shortened if they begin with a subject-verb one-two punch.
When we put a lot of distance between the subject and verb, we can confuse the reader.
When we hide the subject underneath layers of clauses? We show the reader how unimportant the subject is to us. The subject of the sentence is important and should matter.
I feel like that’s a not too heavily cloaked way of saying people matter. Rage happens when injustices never stop. Rage happens when the punishments don’t fit the crime and when nobody hears your voice.
We hope your voice is heard. We hope you get to be the subject of a lot of sentences and not buried under purple prose and wordage. Make your sentences strong, but make other people’s sentences strong too.
Writing Tip of the Pod
Look at your writing. Where are your verbs? Where are your nouns/subjects? Are they in powerful places together? Put them there, damn it.
Dog Tip for Life
Remember the structures that make your life, your community, your family. Are your subjects next to the verbs? How can you make them stronger?
WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!
A lot of writing coaches talk about story structure and plots and inciting incidents, which is all well and good but Carrie is burnt-out this week.
Carrie: I have worked too hard and my brain is broken.
So, instead we are going to tell you what NOT to do. We are going to be the story police and harsh out the rules.
Carrie: I don’t like rules or broken brains, but let’s do this.
What Not To Do According To Conventional Wisdom Right Now
Do not start with dialogue.
This used to be super popular, but MySpace also used to be super popular. Things go out of style and it is not super popular anymore.
Here’s an example:
“I like elephants.”
“Awesome. Me too.”
“No way?”
“Actually, I am lying.”
EXAMPLE OF AWESOME
You’ve no clue who is talking, where they are or why they do or don’t like elephants and you probably don’t care. We want readers to care from the very beginning of the story.
An alarm clock buzzing.
Who even has an alarm clock anymore, actually? But no alarm clocks or cell phone alarms or whatever. Waking up is dull.
My alarm buzzed and I groaned.
“Another day, another dollar,” I said to my cat, Muffin.
Muffin hit me in the nose with her paw. She’s tired of my clichés.
Another Example of Awesome
The whole IT WAS ALL A DREAM start.
Unless this is a paranormal or fantasy where the dream is a key part of the power or the threat? Then it’s okay even if people say ‘never ever.’
Cough. You don’t want to be super invested in a story and then find out that it was all crap and not real even to the character.
Amazing thing happens. More amazing things happen. More amazing things happen for five pages. Oops. It’s all a dream.
Example of dreamy
Being dorky without meaning to.
This is when you accidentally make a super silly mistake or state something obvious in the very beginning of your story. Gasp! I know! You would never do that, right?
Spoiler alert: We all do this.
She knew she had to wear a mask in a pubic place.
Try to avoid the typos.
“I love to love you,” I think to myself.
This is an example. We all think to ourselves. Cut the ‘to myself.’
All narrative all the time.
There is no dialogue anywhere in the first ten pages of this story and instead everything is just a solid block of text in which I, the author, tells you exciting things – well at least they are exciting to me – about the story, but honestly it’s just a lot of navel gazing. Did you know that people get lint in their navels? Did you know that a lot of that lint is actually random fibers from your clothes, if you wear clothes, and dead skin, and then it gets stuck there and mixes all up together. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you care that I care. And so on.
Agh. Did you even read this example? It ruined our SEO readability score.
Writing Tip of the Pod
Don’t start off on the wrong writer foot.
Dog Tip for Life
It’s okay to start over.
SHOUT OUT
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.
Hey! Welcome to a bonus interview episode of Dogs are Smarter Than People, the usually quirky podcast that gives writing tips and life tips. I’m Carrie Jones and with me today is podcaster, actor and definitely a writer, the amazing Jose De La Roca.
Jose has more than 17 years of radio broadcasting experience and now he shares with you all the secrets he knows about podcasting.
Jose say he is a dad first, talking monkey second, and a writer. He wrote a great book called How to be a Dad without a Dadand he’s worked for radio stations and streaming apps and I’m a little intimidated.
HisYouTube Channel has a lot of stuffies and he’s in charge of Dad without a Dad Productions. He’s super cool, super smart, and super fun.
Jose of awesome!
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they are always stuffed.
Jose
We talk about imposter syndrome, being a doer, the state of the radio industry and using humor as a coping mechanism.
According to the IRS, I’m an actor, voice-over actor, sound engineer and a writer, but all I want to do is provide a better future for my son.
Jose
You should definitely check out the interview and Jose’s links.
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
I have a new book out!!!!!! It’s an adult mystery set in the town where we live, which is Bar Harbor, Maine. You can order it here. And you totally should.
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!
So, um, as you can tell, during the self-isolation, stay-at-home orders of our pandemic, we have descended into the land of the immature.
Carrie had high hopes of using this time to build up our intellectual skills and read the NYT and Rousseau and Descartes by the light of the pellet stove. But instead we watched Tiger Kingand What We Do in the Shadows obsessively.
Which brings us to the topic of our episode.
Farts?
No. Not farts again. But a Medium article by Niklas Goke entitled
“15 Signs You’re Emotionally Mature- How you know you handle life like an adult”
So, Niklas has a bunch of assertions about how we know if we are emotionally mature, which seems a pretty big construct in itself, right? Like how do we as a society define maturity if we as a society can’t even define what is truth? But whatever, we’re just going to go with it because it’s not farts.
Niklas says that you have to train yourself to be emotionally mature and build the characteristics. He’s got fifteen characteristics because he’s apparently an overachieving guy. But he actually took his questions from The School of Life’s 25 suggestions about emotional maturity. So, it’s all derivative, baby.
We’re joining in. And we’re condensing them into five.
It’s Not All About You All the Damn Time
If someone tells you to stop farting in their face, maybe stop farting in their face? It’s good to remember the world isn’t just about you and the immediate release of your gastric discomfort. That’s mature.
Not All People are Psychics
You might want to think about what your actions and facial expressions are telling the people who are stuck in the room with you. Nikos says we don’t all have a lovely Sims icon over our heads telling people our feelings. When people don’t realize you’re hungry or sad? That’s not always on them. It’s sometimes because you aren’t giving them the clues. Express how you feel so everyone doesn’t have to guess all the damn time. That’s mature.
You Are Cool In Your Lack of Coolness
You aren’t perfect. You can be annoying. The people who matter will love you anyway. We have so many bad scripts and biases running in our heads. Don’t waste a lot of time or energy trying to pretend to be perfect. It’s best to admit when you muck up or that you have weaknesses and be open about your boo-boos. It means your strong. That’s mature and also sexy.
Try To Be Chill About the Dorks
Realize a lot of time when other people suck, it’s because they are lonely or upset or feeling super vulnerable. Try to respond with kindness unless they are really hurting you or a threat. Then respond with a restraining order. You have to protect you, too. That’s mature.
It’s Cool To Celebrate Things
It’s okay to realize that there’s no reason to be angry, to compromise, to love others even though they are flawed and appreciate those flaws, those compromises, your own ‘failures.’ Celebrate being alive every day and having enough money to get coffee, to be able to hug your friends, to go through life without a mask on. Those things we take for granted? They are big things even though they might seem small. Appreciation? That’s mature. And also sexy.
Writing tip of the Pod:
It’s okay to have a mature character once in awhile.
Dog Tip for Life:
It’s okay to be the mature character once in awhile. It’s also okay to fart.
SHOUT OUT
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
I have a new book out!!!!!! It’s an adult mystery set in the town where we live, which is Bar Harbor, Maine. You can order it here. And you totally should.
A lot of time I’ll be reading scenes in books and it will be two characters talking and I’ll only have a vaguely general idea about where they are. Maybe I won’t have an idea at all. We call this evil beast the talking heads syndrome.
Cue scary music here.
WHAT IS TALKING HEADS SYNDROME?
No, it’s not about the iconic 1980s group. Sorry!
It’s where there’s a lot of dialogue going on but there’s no actual anchor for the characters. It’s like they are floating in space blabbing at each other. There’s no physical world placement.
This happens a lot and it’s because some of us are writers who really hear our scenes rather than see our scenes or live in our scenes. It’s also because we sometimes forget to get those anchors in there.
How to Imagine Yourself in a Scene
To do this exercise you have to step away from the keyboard for a second and stand up. We know! We know! Writers are all about sitting down and putting their butts in the chair and getting the work done, right? Well, give yourself five minutes and stand up in a quiet place preferably not in Starbucks or anything.
Now close your eyes and think about your scene where there are talking heads.
SMELL
There you are with your characters. Maybe you can even imagine yourself as one of the characters. Possess them like they’re Zac Bagans and you’re filming Ghost Adventures. Inhale. What kind of smells are you smelling? Remember that.
SOUND
You’re still there with the characters standing in the setting. What do you hear? Remember that.
TOUCH
Your characters don’t stay completely still for the whole scene, do they? Have them move even if it’s to fidget. Let them touch things. What do those things feel like? Are they hot? Textured? Hands aren’t the only things that touch. Does their hair sweep over something? Does their foot kick against a table? Do their shoulders lean against the rough wood of the wall?
TASTE
What does it feel like inside their mouth? Dry? Coppery? Do they need to brush their teeth? Please make them floss. Everyone should floss.
SIGHT
This is the fallback for most writers and it can have some issues. We want to be able to visualize the setting and where things are happening, but we don’t need the buffer of the character seeing what’s happening.
There are a lot of stories where it says,
“Shaun looked over and saw the cat dangling from the curtain.”
Don’t pad the details with distancing words. Don’t tell us that Shaun’s looking. Just have us see.
Instead write,
“The cat dangled from the curtain.”
It’s so much more powerful.
MOVEMENT
Have the characters move. Give them actions and objective correlatives to their emotional states.
What are the next steps to Banishing the talking heads?
No, it’s not casting David Byrne to an isolated bunker in Nebraska. It’s also not putting him on SNL. It has nothing to do with him! I promise.
The next step is incorporating what you imagined for tasting, smelling, hearing, seeing, movement into the actual scene. You have to have your characters’ perceptions of the outside world and setting incorporated into that dialogue and action. Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.
WRITING TIP OF THE POD
Don’t be full of talking heads. Write scenes that come alive.
DOG TIP FOR LIFE
Be in the moment, man, and actually notice things.
Note: In the random thoughts in bed section of our podcast we talk about Liberal cheers, famous for being losers, getting thick thanks to the Coronavirus and Shaun binging Swedish Fish, and golf balls. How’s that for random?
SHOUT OUT
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
I just published a super cool adult novel. Gasp! I know! Adult! That’s so …. grown-up?
Rosie Jones, small town reporter and single mom, is looking forward to her first quiet Maine winter with her young daughter, Lily. After a disastrous first marriage, she’s made a whole new life and new identities for her and her little girl. Rosie is more than ready for a winter of cookies, sledding, stories about planning board meetings, and trying not to fall in like with the local police sergeant, Seamus Kelley.
But after her car is tampered with and crashes into Sgt. Kelley’s cruiser during a blizzard, her quiet new world spirals out of control and back into the danger she thought she’d left behind. One of her new friends is murdered. She herself has been poisoned and she finds a list of anagrams on her dead friend’s floor.
As the killer strikes again, it’s obvious that the women of Bar Harbor aren’t safe. Despite the blizzard and her struggle to keep her new identity a secret, Rosie sets out to make sure no more women die. With the help of the handsome but injured Sgt. Kelley and the town’s firefighters, it’s up to Rosie to stop the murderer before he strikes again.
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
Order this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
So, it’s my anniversary and I never remember my anniversary. What I remember is the love.
The bodyguard I am married to says it this, “Every day is our anniversary, baby.”
I love the bodyguard despite the fact that he calls me baby and we are profoundly different in our thoughts and reactions and essence.
This blog is a quick excerpt of our life from awhile ago when I went to Conestoga, this convention in Oklahoma and it was super fun. I talked. I met cool people. I saw strange things. I presented on panels, but then it was time to come home to Maine with the bodyguard.
Our first sign that something was off should have been the airport. I am a person who like airports. I think they are neat. There’s all this hustle and bustle and people going off to exciting places like – um – Hawaii or something. I am never actually going to those super cool exciting places.
But to me Tulsa, Oklahoma was exciting.
This was evidenced by the airport.
The zombie airport of Tulsa
We get to the UNITED counter to check in at the handy dandy self-serve kiosk and there were only two other people there. Seriously. Two other people! There were four people behind the counter. Do you know what this means? There were MORE UNITED workers than customers. Score!
But wait, I thought, perhaps this is a bad omen. I looked around the airport. There were hardly any people anywhere. I told the bodyguard my thoughts.
He said, “Baby. Take deep breaths.”
I ignored him as I will whenever he gives me good advice.
“Oh my God,” I said. “Was there a zombie apocalypse? I totally should have gone to the panel at Conestoga about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. AND I AM IN AN AIRPORT! There are no weapons here. They don’t even have metal steak knives. Everything is plastic. How am I going to survive? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
The bodyguard hugged me, which is an effective way of making me stop talking. He is a smart bodyguard.
“Miss,” the airplane guy from UNITED said. “Can I help you?”
I looked up at him. His flesh did not seem to be decaying.
“You aren’t a zombie, are you?” I asked.
He lifted an eyebrow. It didn’t fall off. I figured it was safe.
I cautiously approached the counter wondering if I could throw my suitcase at him. BUT I DIDN’T HAVE TO! Instead of eating us, he told me that our flight to Chicago has been delayed for 500 hours.
“But we have a connection,” I said.
“You have forty minutes to make it,” he said. He frowned. “If there are no more delays.”
FORTY MINUTES!
I had sudden images of being trapped in a Chicago airport surrounded by zombies and the bodyguard trying to fend them off. I decided this was vaguely sexy.
“Um,” I managed to say. “Is there a reason for the delay like – um – like – um – zombies?”
“Did you say zombies?” he asked.
I shook my head really fast.
“It’s weather related.”
“Okay,” I say, “cool.”
Because we now had four hours to waste in the Tulsa Airport. We did this super slow walk over to the security check-in where you get to take off your shoes and walk through the cool metal detector thing, which always reminds me of Star Trek and futuristic things because – well, because I am nerdy and live in Northern Maine where we don’t have a lot of futuristic things. We do have lobsters ….
And blueberries …
Which can be kind of scary actually.
The Land of TSA and Bodyguards
So, we get to the security part and still – THERE ARE ONLY TWO OTHER PEOPLE THERE.
“We are totally in a Stephen King novel and almost everyone is dead,” I said to my bodyguard.
My bodyguard, however, didn’t hear me because he was stuck in the futuristic cool metal detector thing because he was made of metal or something and he was kind of big like bodyguards are supposed to be.
I swallowed hard as TSA agents surrounded him. Were the TSA agents actually high-functioning zombies?
“Do not take my bodyguard!” I started to say. “I totally need him to — to — um — guard my body?”
The bodyguard smiled. They let him through. He puts his shoes back on.
Side note: May I just say that bodyguards in bare feet just aren’t as threatening?
So, there were other people who have put their shoes back on. We all randomly roamed around a pretty empty concourse. I decided to go to the bathroom.
I am the kind of person who constantly thinks, “I am going to be in a ________(Fill in the blank. Car. Airplane. Deserted Wilderness. Bad theatrical production of GUYS AND DOLLS) for hours and I may never get to pee again. I should pee now.”
“I am going to try to pee,” I announced to my bodyguard. “If I don’t return, the zombies got me. Get back-up.”
The Lady In the Bathroom
And I headed to the restroom. But there was a woman with a badge there, blocking the door! The last time I was in Tulsa there was a woman security person blocking the door. It is like Groundhog Day mixed with a Stephen King novel now.
“You can’t go in there,” she said.
“Is it zombies?” I whispered.
“Go away weirdo,” she said.
I went away. I suddenly had to pee a lot more.
There was no place to pee in the Tulsa airport except the restrooms. Normally, this was a good thing. Not today.
Police came. She let them in the bathroom. Firemen came. She let them in the bathroom. I wondered if they were there to help or to pee. After hours pass, they took a fragile-looking older lady out of the bathroom. They let us in. There were blue gloves and EMT type things all over the floor. It was scary looking. But there were no zombies. I started to worry a lot about the fragile-looking older lady. When I came out, I tell my body guard.
“She’ll be okay,” he said in a very reassuring bodyguard way.
I decided to believe him.
“But will we be okay?” I asked.
“Of course.”
Getting on the Plane
This is because the bodyguard doesn’t worry the way I worry or think the way I think. He just knows, which is possibly why I married him eventually and we have an anniversary that I can never remember.
We boarded and it was the SMALLEST PLANE IN THE UNIVERSE! It was like a Playskool airplane and tall people had to sort of shuffle sideways down the aisle bent at the waist.
I was suddenly happy that I was not tall.
The happiness didn’t last though because the pilot said, “Um. Folks. The plane has been delayed another fifteen minutes. It’ll be that long before we take off.”
Fifteen minutes!
We would never get our connection. I would be stuck in Chicago forever with zombies and just my bodyguard.
Bible College Girl
The girl in the seat behind me started murmuring. I thought she was praying. She said before that she went to Bible college so I was hopeful. The plane takes off! SCORE 1 for Bible College Girl.
But no – as we were landing, the back of my seat suddenly thrusted forward. I heard a funny coughing noise and Bible College Girl’s hair seemed to touch my hair through the crack between the seat and the airplane wall. Suddenly, there was a smell of parmesan cheese and eggs. It was NOT a good smell.
I gagged.
I looked at my bodyguard who was reading. I make big eyes. He sniffed. He gagged.
Bible College Girl had upchucked all over the place.
“Sean,” she whimpered to her seatmate, this cool young guy coming back from a wedding. “Um … Do you have anything I can wipe up with?”
He didn’t.
There were no barf bag things. We were landing and the flight attendants were all sitting down. There was no way to clean up the mess. It was all in her hair. I gagged again.
“I think I might throw up,” I said to my bodyguard.
“Do. Not. Throw. Up,” he said and put his massive bodyguard hand over my mouth and nose so that all I could smell was bodyguard-hand smell, which was much nicer than parmesan cheese-acid-egg throw-up smell.
“It is in my hair?” I shrieked this but it came out all muffled because of the hand. “Is it in my hair too?”
“No,” he said after deciphering my mmphh mumpphhs. “I swear it is not in your hair.”
We landed. The flight attendant came over.
“Oh,” she said to Bible College Girl. “You poor dear.”
Bible College Girl said, “There were no bags.”
Flight attendent made scoffing noise and rushed off to get cleaning supplies.
“Bodyguard,” I said. “Are we going to be okay?”
“Yes,” he insisted and gagged. “We are going to be okay.”
We got off plane. Bible College Girl had now morphed into Throw-Up in Long Hair Girl. Satan has scored one for his team. Boo Satan!
THE SKIRT ISSUE
We got off the plane onto the tarmac in Chicago and we had to walk down these steps on this narrow staircase. But the problem was not that it was a super steep staircase.
The problem was: I WAS WEARING A SKIRT!
Anyway, there is a reason they call Chicago, “The Windy City.” This reason does not involve flatulence.
Oh no,” I said to Mr. Bodyguard aka my seat mate. “Will you hold my bag?”
“Sure,” he said as all nice bodyguards do. “Why?”
“Um ….” I coughed. I stuttered. I ended up pointing at my flouncy skirt. This same flouncy skirt made me get patted down by a TSA officer in Manchester, NH. She said I could hide things in there.
Let me tell you: I needed more than two hands to hold that baby down.
So, once down on the ground, I grabbed my bag back and sprinted across the tarmac towards the airport terminal. “My skirt!” I explained. “I only have (gasp!) thirty minutes to get to my next flight. ARE WE GOING TO BE OKAY?”
Mr. Body Guard nodded. He had to wait for his carry-on luggage, which became carry-under luggage during the flight.
I sprinted to the terminal. Bible College Girl With the Vomit Hair (as she is now known even to her mother) sprinted behind me. I held the door for her so she wouldn’t touch it and spread germs and then scooted inside, holding my breath so I didn’t have to actually smell her and become Writing Person with the Weak Stomach and Vomit Hair of Her Own.
Inside the building were masses of people waiting for some delayed planes, more masses of people were in a customer service line complaining.
There was no easy path through the sea of people and luggage. I am not super tall or big. I could not push my way through.
“Excuse me!” I yelled. “I need to get through.”
Nobody moved. “Excuse me! Zombie attack!” I yelled.
Nobody moved.
“Excuse me! Brad Pitt! Oh my God. Is that Brad Pitt getting off that plane?” I yelled.
Everyone rushed to the window screaming.
I took my clear path and dashed up the escalator looking for the screen that would tell me where the next flight is.
I gasped. It was not good.
Our flight was in C terminal (at the end of it). I was in F terminal (at the end of it). We had a mere twenty minutes to get there. Could Mr. Bodyguard sprint that far carrying me in less that 20 minutes? Wait! Where was Mr. Bodyguard?
I had lost Mr. Body Guard in a sea of carryon luggageand zombie humans
I looked around frantically. Mr. Bodyguard was nowhere! I was a lowly writer without a bodyguard.
Screaming, I went down the escalator I just came up. Mr. Body Guard was going up the escalator. We were on different escalators separated by a divider thingy.
“Mr. Body Guard!” I screamed waving frantically at him. “Our flight is 42 miles away! And we have 20 minutes! And I am going the wrong way on the escalator!”
Mr. Bodyguard assesses the situation and reached over the escalator divider and yanked me up and over. I was now heading in the right direction.
“We are going to have to run,” Mr. Body Guard said. “Run!” I gasped. “Like Whitney and Kevin Costner in that movie? About the bodyguard?”
“No.” He shook his head and grabbed my hand. “And please stop talking about that movie. I hate that movie! And that song! No, I meant like in the tv show CHUCK when there’s about to be an explosion. And if they don’t run they will explode into tiny little body parts and not even their teeth will be whole.”
And right then I realized that Mr. Bodyguard was not actually all that different from me.
“Got it,” I said, clutching his hand getting ready to run. “Are we going to be alright?”
“Yes, baby.” He smiled even as I cringed and he kissed me before adding. “It will always be alright.”
So, happy anniversary to my more stable, stronger half, the man who gives everything to take care of his girls, who steps into the role of full-time dad and anxiety coach with ease. It’s hard to imagine anyone else I could ever feel safer with or love any more. That’s because there isn’t anyone. Sometimes we both suck because we’re human, but there’s nobody I’d rather go on adventure with, fight against the zombies with, or make a podcast and life together.
Other News
Hey! Ballsy is sponsoring our podcasts this week and it is an awesome company.
They are running a promo right now for LOVE DAY and all days, really. The retail price is $less than $50, and the coupon code is for 20% off.
Here is your code for you, our cool listener: DOGS20
It has the word DOG in the code. That’s so cool. Just like you’ll be cool if you give this to your special man for Valentine’s. So go check Ballsy out at ballwash.com
I just publish eda super cool adult novel. Gasp! I know! Adult! That’s so …. grown-up?
Rosie Jones, small town reporter and single mom, is looking forward to her first quiet Maine winter with her young daughter, Lily. After a disastrous first marriage, she’s made a whole new life and new identities for her and her little girl. Rosie is more than ready for a winter of cookies, sledding, stories about planning board meetings, and trying not to fall in like with the local police sergeant, Seamus Kelley.
But after her car is tampered with and crashes into Sgt. Kelley’s cruiser during a blizzard, her quiet new world spirals out of control and back into the danger she thought she’d left behind. One of her new friends is murdered. She herself has been poisoned and she finds a list of anagrams on her dead friend’s floor.
As the killer strikes again, it’s obvious that the women of Bar Harbor aren’t safe. Despite the blizzard and her struggle to keep her new identity a secret, Rosie sets out to make sure no more women die. With the help of the handsome but injured Sgt. Kelley and the town’s firefighters, it’s up to Rosie to stop the murderer before he strikes again.
So, um, please go buy it. I am being brave, but that means that despite all my reasons for doing this, I’m still terrified that nobody will buy it and I really, really love this book. A lot.
Share this if you want and also because it would be super nice of you!
