Sometimes things happen that you can’t control. We call this chaos, usually. But chaos is a part of our lives and our societies and sometimes? It comes in the form of a small dog.
The set-uP
- I was in seventh grade.
- My stepfather had just died. It was my brother’s wedding.
- I was totally in love with Tim, my much older (22) step-cousin. He had nice hair. It was silver. Plus, he always tried to make sure I didn’t fall off boats. You’ve got to respect that.
The dress
- Was two sizes too big. That’s because I lost a lot of weight because my dad died.
- Was this Pepto-Bismol pink
- Required a hoop skirt.
- Had fake flowers for shoulder straps.
- Was tiered like a wedding cake.
What happened
Right before the wedding, at the house of the parents of the bride, I put on my horrible gown.
This mauve gown sagged everywhere including where my breasts were (still are, actually. My breasts have not. I repeat: HAVE NOT moved) and the head maid of honor lady was trying to duct tape the sides in because you could see right down it.
The attempt to keep my dress from gaping didn’t really work and the tape was scratching. I was super paranoid that everyone was going to be looking down my dress and my mental state? It was like super anxiety blow-out.
Then when we were heading out to the car, I picked up the bride’s family’s dog, Midge. It turns out you are not supposed to pick up Midge. Why?
Midge pees when you pick her up. Apparently, Midge also had anxiety.
I did not know this.
Midge peed all over my dress. Yes, this happened while I was wearing it. There was this dark stain, going down the mauve. It hit the duct tape. It hit everything.
Hell Breaks Loose
Cue: Mother of the bride swearing.
Cue: Maid of Honor yelling, “CARRIE!!! YOU PICKED UP MIDGE! JESUS! JESUS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”
They rushed me inside, dabbed at me with a face cloth, and then dried me with a hair dryer.
Me: I smell like pee.
Bride: YOU. SMELL. FINE.
Father of the Bride: She smells like piss.
Cue: Maid of Honor spraying lilac perfume all over me. I associate lilacs with pee now.
So, I went to the wedding smelling like lilac and pee. My super cute cousin asked me to a pity dance. I was in Heaven. He leaned in. I was in super Heaven. I was ready to die of bliss.
Super Cute Cousin: Does it smell like urine?
Me:
Super Cute Cousin:
Me: Lilacs. I smell lilacs.
So smooth.
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