WHY WON’T ANYONE BUY MY BOOK ROASTED CHERRY TOMATO SAUCECourse: Uncategorized
Stuff That Goes In It
2–3 lbs cherry tomatoes, stems removed just like how traditional publishing has removed your heart through their constant rejections.
1/4 cup best-quality olive oil you can afford, and a bit more for roasting, so basically whatever brand is cheapest at WalMart because YOU HAVE NOT SOLD YOUR BOOK YET!
1 large yellow onion, diced up. Be careful with the knife, okay?
1 Tbsp fresh garlic, minced. Seriously. Be careful. Knives and round things don’t always go together, much like your book and Harper Collins apparently.
Fancy herbs! A small bunch of fresh basil leaves;
3–4 sprigs, fresh thyme, stems removed;
kosher salt and freshly-ground black pepper, to taste;
steak seasoning if you can’t find any herbs–you can improvise here just like you improvised the use of a semicolon 7,777 times in you 50,000-word novel. Just kidding! Just kidding!
How to Make It
- Find the oven and turn it on. No not that way! Power it on and set the temperature to 400 Fahrenheit or 204 Celsius.
Feel good about that positive action step towards your goal.
Think of other positive action steps towards your goal of traditional publishing.
Possibly cry by the sink as you clean your cherry tomatoes. Wash your tears down the sink. Add this to your novel and then come back to the kitchen.
- Take your beautiful little baby tomatoes and use just enough of that expensive olive oil to lightly coat them. You might want to toss them around.
Do not take out your frustrations on the tomatoes. Realize you and your books are the tomatoes, totally at the whim of a subjective industry.
- Spread your tomatoes out on a baking pan or sheet. Something rimmed. You don’t want them to tumble off into the abyss of the stove.
Realize that thought/image really makes your heart hurt. Definitely get a rimmed sheet.
- Cook for about 25-30 minutes. Roast until they’ve bursted or started to shrivel.
Oh, salty unicorns! This metaphor hurts!
- Take them out of the oven.
Put all that olive oil into a sauce pan or pot that has a heavy bottom. Ponder your own heavy bottom because you followed the experts’ advice and kept your butt in chair to write your novel. AND FOR WHAT? A heavy bottom.
- Cry into the sink again as you heat that oil on medium and wait for it to shimmer in a way that your writing career isn’t, damn it.
- Put onions into the pot so you have an excuse to cry. Stir them a bit for around 4-5 minutes.
- Add garlic. Realize you should have put freaking vampires in your book to get it to sell. Vow to do that.
- Put those shriveled tomatoes and their cooking liquid (aka tears) and herbs in with the garlic and onion. Add salt and pepper. Add a handful of sugar if you’re feeling naughty.
Put the heat on low. Put a lid on the pot, but turn the heat down to low.
Make it so the cover isn’t on tightly, but has a one-inch gap.
- You can simmer it for 25 minutes to one hour.
Use that time to add a vampire to your novel.
- Take the pot off the stovetop. Let it cool for 10-15 minutes.
Use that time to add a love triangle to your novel. And maybe a zombie?
- Being super careful, transfer the cooled mixture into a blender. Blend.
- This amazing recipe that I’ve used every week since the tomatoes have come in, is from the delightful and lovely website, forkknifespoon, you should go give them some props!
- Also, you can store this in an airtight container in the fridge for a week or in the freezer for a couple months.