The Mansplainy Writer’s Guide to Broccoli, Cheddar and Brown Rice Cakes

The Mansplainy Writers Guide to Broccoli, Cheddar and Brown Rice Cakes

Recipe by CarrieCourse: DinnerCuisine: vegetarianDifficulty: Easy


Prep time


Cooking time





Serving size is two cakes.

Stuff That Goes In It

  • Cooking spray – so he can’t bro-splain how you didn’t grease the pan and everything stuck.

  • 1 tablespoon unsalted butter

  • 3/4 cup chopped yellow onion

  • 4 garlic cloves, chopped

  • 3/4 cup unsalted vegetable stock (such as Swanson)

  • 12 ounces fresh broccoli florets, cut into 1/2-in. pieces

  • 1 (8.8-oz.) pkg. precooked brown rice

  •  1/4 cup whole-wheat panko

  •  1 tablespoon grainy mustard

  • 1/2 teaspoon black pepper

  • 3/8 teaspoon kosher salt

  • 3 ounces pre-shredded reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese, divided (about 3/4 cup)

  • 2 large eggs, lightly beaten

  • Sliced green onions (optional)

How to Make It

  • Why oh why, did you have to read that blog by Mr. Mansplain I’m The Best Writer in the Universe guy? Did you want to ruin a perfectly good day? Yes. Yes, apparently you did.

    Now turn the oven on 450-Fahrenheit.

    Why did he think “kill your darlings” originated with him? Or “butt in chair?”

    Seriously? The ego.
  • Spray the cooking sheet with cooking spray.

    Take a deep, calming breath.
  • Do not go back to the website to see his smug face or read that just the term “mansplaining” mean we’re infantilizing women.

    Instead, melt butter in a big ole skillet over medium-high.

    Add garlic and onion.

    Sauté for 4 minutes.
  • Add stock and broccoli. Bring to a boil; cook 3 minutes.

    Do not think about the author who name drops other authors’ names every two minutes. Don’t tell them that you know all the authors they are talking about. Swoon about the workshop she took with Rita Williams Garcia. Nod nicely when she talks about her tweet volley with Salman Rushdie.

  • Find rice.

    Heat rice following the directions on the packages.

    Don’t think about the author in your workshop who won’t stop complaining about how harrowing writing is. “It’s ripping open a vein and bleeding on the page.”

    Don’t think about all her sob-story tweets and how many fans she gets by complaining.

    Don’t think about how she makes writing into a ‘mystical, mystical gift that drives me to penultamate heights and miserable lows, but I am compelled to fight through it and share my genius gift to the world.”

    Do not give her the finger via a gif.

    Instead . . .

  • Put the broccoli mix, panko, mustard, rice, pepper, salt, and 1/2 cup of the cheese into a big ole bowl.

    Find the eggs. Put them in too and stir.

    Make eight different (2 1/2-inch) patties.

    Put the patties on the pan and spray them with cooking spray.

    Bake at 450°F for 15 minutes.

    Add the cheese on top.

    Bake for 4 more minutes or stop when the cheese gets all melty.

    Put green onions on it if you want.

    Eat and worry that you’re a mansplaining, harrowing (woe is me) or name dropping author. Decide you aren’t and call it good. Refrain from going on the internet and looking at those authors’ accounts and getting annoyed.


Cheesy Broccoli of Horror’s Renaissance

[ultimate-recipe id=”2973″ template=”default”]

When I was little (okay all the way through high school), the only way my mom would eat broccoli or cauliflower was if she smothered it in Velveeta cheese mixed with skim milk.

This, of course, would terrify the healthy people of this world.

So, I found a recipe on dinneratthezoo and adapted it. To see the real recipe, check out the link. And let me give a shout-out to that website, which is just beautifully done.

So, what was the verdict in the House That I’m Trying To Make More Vegetarian?

Man Verdict

I miss Velveeta.

Dog Verdict

Are we allowed cheese? Or broccoli?

My Verdict

I miss my mom. This is good though.



My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!

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