How to Be a Better Friend and Avoiding the #DEADTOME List

People lie – a lot.

And one of those lies is that they have a lot of friends. Or the opposite – that they don’t need friends. Or maybe that they’re friends and their friendships are all super perfect.

We all know that one is a lie. Nobody is perfect – not in an all-encompassing, always-right way. Those one-dimensional stick figure cut-out representations of friendships are best left to television shows and bad fiction, not in our own narratives.

Real friends are gritty and confusing and beautiful and triumphant. Real friends know that you don’t always have your stuff together and they love you anyways. Real friends have your back when you’re sobbing into the phone hysterically and real friends don’t tell your secrets or lie about you.

Unless they do.

And those friends then sometimes become the people about whom you’re sobbing into the phone uncontrollably. You forgive them. Or you don’t. But you are definitely aware that they aren’t perfect.

None of us are.

According to a 2017 article by Lydia Denworth for Psychology Today, there are three main elements to friendships. Those are:

Spending time with each other

Focusing on the positive parts of your friend and friendship, and

Helping each other.

What does that mean? The more time you spend with someone or thinking about them, the stronger the bond. The more you are silly, goofy, tell stories, dance around, build Legos with your friends, the more you associate them with happy chemical messages to your brain. The more you help your friend and your friend helps you, the more stable and good the friendship. (As opposed to those one-sided friendships where someone is trying to gain status through you, or always complains to you but never listens back, or always makes you pay the bill, etc.).

Allegedly, we have about five of those friendships in our whole entire lives. Those good friends? They are hard to find.

46482619_10157047105579073_5371350713865601024_o — Yes, this is my actual childhood handwriting.

When I was a little kid, I used to catalogue my friends. I don’t do that anymore. But back then, I basically created concentric circles of BEST FRIEND, GOOD FRIEND, POTENTIAL GOOD FRIENDS. People could move from place to place if I spent more time with them or felt closer to them. People could also fall completely off the charts. It’s all really childhood drama, and kind of extra, but it was there – this cataloguing, this being in ‘good graces’ versus ‘bad land of friendship exile.’

I’m not sure if I’ve grown up all that much, honestly.

Once a friendship goes toxic, I pull back. I give people second and third chances, but if they’re using me too much? I don’t ever reach out to them. If a friend lies to me? I don’t trust them much again. If a friend lies to someone else about me and I find out? I don’t trust them either.

44526547_10217306216311600_4607521708331499520_n 2 — My friends and I at an SNL party. These are good friends because…SNL party.

But here’s the thing – I still love those people, those no-longer-trusted-as-much friends. I love my friend that I caught cheating at a game night because he’s addicted to secret, social dangers. I love my friend that name drops constantly because she’s so insecure. I love my friend that lies because she hates her own life so much that she doesn’t remember what truth is anymore.

I will forgive almost everyone anything, until I won’t.

That’s because I know I’m not perfect either. I don’t dwell on my imperfections, the times I failed, but I have failed. A ton.

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

One time at my friend’s super-low-stakes weekly poker night, I explained that there are only five local people that are on my #deadtomelist. One called firefighters and my writing schmaltzy and then suggested I didn’t know what the word schmaltz meant.

He’s off that list now. He doesn’t matter.

One is a man who hurt dozens of women, a narcissist with a lot of issues.

He’s still on the list.

So, is the man who stalked me around town. So, is the police officer who wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell him about the man who stalked me around town.

And there’s one more person that I’m not going to mention.

You’ll notice people actually moved off that list, which I guess wasn’t named #foreverdeadtome, but just #deadtome.

Everyone at poker really wanted to know the names on my list. That’s because they didn’t think I could hate because I focus so much on love. But here’s the thing – I can hate. Everyone can hate. I just don’t dwell in the hate. My hate (when it happens) flies up like a rage, explodes like a firework and then disappears almost instantly except for a name on a list.

#Deadtome

He who hurts women

He who stalks

He who protects he who stalks

She who I will not mention

Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us. – Charles Spurgeon

I’m privileged in that I don’t have to or need to dwell on that hate and I’m lucky. But the people who have done the absolute worst to me? The horrible things? They aren’t even on the #deadtomelist.

That doesn’t make sense, right?

But to me, for my mental health? Those people are so dead to me that they don’t even exist in my brain anymore. My brain is too full of beauty and friendship, of stories and dogs and cats and manatees, to get used up with them and their hurt and their evil. These people flash in my consciousness every once in awhile, but then they’re gone – so dead to me that I forget their existence.

The space they could inhabit? I fill it up with dreams, with friends, with love. So, that’s what I do.

Writing and Other News

I’ll be hanging out at Virginia Beach this weekend for an awesome book festival talking about my Moe Berg book that’s detailed below.

Art.

I do art stuff. You can find it and boy a print here.

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Time Stoppers!

You can order my middle grade fantasy novel Time Stoppers Escape From the Badlands here or anywhere.

People call it a cross between Harry Potter and Percy Jackson but it’s set in Maine. It’s full of adventure, quirkiness and heart.

Moe Berg

The Spy Who Played Baseball is a picture book biography about Moe Berg. And… there’s a movie out now about Moe Berg, a major league baseball player who became a spy. How cool is that?

It’s awesome and quirky and fun.

FLYING AND ENHANCED

Men in Black meet Buffy the Vampire Slayer? You know it sound fun. You can buy them here or anywhere.

Flying

OUR PODCAST – DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.

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Writing Coach

I offer solo writing coach services. For more about my individual coaching, click here.

Writing Barn

I am super psyched to be teaching the six-month long Write. Submit. Support. class at the Writing Barn!

Are you looking for a group to support you in your writing process and help set achievable goals? Are you looking for the feedback and connections that could potentially lead you to that book deal you’ve been working towards?

Our Write. Submit. Support. (WSS) six-month ONLINE course offers structure and support not only to your writing lives and the manuscripts at hand, but also to the roller coaster ride of submissions: whether that be submitting to agents or, if agented, weathering the submissions to editors.

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Author: carriejonesbooks

I am the NYT and internationally-bestselling author of children's books, which include the NEED series, FLYING series, TIME STOPPERS series, DEAR BULLY and other books. I like hedgehogs and puppies and warm places. I have none of these things in my life. View all posts by carriejonesbooks

Jason Gallaher, author of WHOBERT WHOVER, OWL DETECTIVE

Writing Coach of Your Dreams

Carrie is the writing coach I always dreamed of having. She has such a great balance in her feedback between singing your praises at what is working and giving you honest criticism at what still needs development. Carrie goes above and beyond in her editorial letters, giving very clear and detailed feedback, and her eagerness to answer any questions makes the whole experience of critique—which can be a very vulnerable experience—make you feel like you’re with a trusted friend that you’ve known for years (even though you just met).

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Stellar Writing Coach

Carrie is not only whip-smart, savvy, and insightful, she is kind, generous, and real. A stellar writing coach and human being, she gives me priceless creative and professional guidance, but most of all she gives me hope. Her joyful, honest approach to writing is a bright and guiding light.

Michelle Ames

Stellar Writing Coach

Julie Herman

Encouraging Feedback

I met Carrie through an online course offered through the Writing Barn. She was a thorough reader of our work, giving both positive and encouraging feedback. Any fixes she offered were on point and gently given. I felt that my writing grew significantly during the time I spent under her wing.

Stefanie Chou

MAKES IT EASY

I’ve worked with Carrie on multiple novels and she is a wonderful mentor! She is a great teacher and provides excellent feedback with examples, allowing me to learn and grow as a writer. She usually responds with feedback quicker than the agreed time, which is always nice. The best thing about Carrie though is that she is so encouraging. Sometimes it’s hard to have your work critiqued, but Carrie makes it easy. She is so good at heaping on praise while also giving constructive feedback, so it makes you excited to revise, rather than want to give up. I highly recommend her!

Lauren Haynes

EXPLORE YOUR STORY’S SOUL

It is a blessing Carrie is willing to share her insights and talents with others, because she is a powerhouse of a coach who pushes you to be the best writer you can be. There were times where I was so frustrated with my novel I felt like quitting, and Carrie pulled me from the bog of eternal revisions and dead-ends into a place of hope. She invigorated me to write and write better. Carrie inspired my growth as a writer and a person. She showed me it’s okay (actually, it’s great) to embrace my quirkiness. She tore down walls I didn’t know I had built and gave me the foundation to be a confident writer with direction.

Her feedback centers on developing your authentic voice. She doesn’t try to make you write like anyone else and applauds your uniqueness. She encourages you to push boundaries and explore the soul of your story. She is extremely attentive to character development and plot structure, as well as how those elements resonate with the intended audience and reveal the author’s purpose. She celebrates powerful writing with specific feedback on what works and why it works just as often as she advises on revisions to improve the story. She asks meaningful questions, offers clear examples, and supplies diverse resources to provoke the author to transform their stories in ways they may never have otherwise. She has an innate sense of the heart of a story and digs into its core as if the writing were her own.

I could not more strongly recommend Carrie as a writing coach, because she cares fiercely about your writing, works tirelessly to improve your story, and nurtures you as a writer. She is the coach, the cheerleader, and the team all in one. If you want to get out of your rut or become a better writer, Carrie is the person you want to have by your side.

Wendi Kepplinger

Shrinks Fear

Carrie has a gift of encouragement in its truest sense–she searches for what is good in a writer and grows it, she provides perspective that shrinks fear back to size, and she nourishes the kind of confidence and hope so vital for a creative work. Even her criticism is gently done. She is also unfailingly funny! Her comments keep discussions fun and light and create a safe space for people to share and grow. It is clear that she cares and wants our books to succeed.

Cathy Carr

Gentle Encouragement and an Occasional Kick in the Pants

One of the things I enjoyed the most about working with Carrie is that she helped me write the book I wanted to write, not the book she would have preferred I write, or the book she would written in my place. She was vested in helping me express my vision as a writer and as a human being.

One special thing about Carrie as a writing coach and teacher is her understanding of writing psychology. She’s well familiar with the pits of uncertainty and the swamps of despondency a writer can step into, and seems to know just the right thing to say to get the struggling person going again, from gentle encouragement to straight-ahead course correction to even the occasional kick in the pants.

Trista Wilson

A Light for Other Writers

When working with Carrie, I can feel that she is genuinely invested in helping me make my writing the very best it can be. She freely shares her own writing experiences, including the struggles, which helps me not feel alone in those tough moments. She is so positive and encouraging while also giving very specific and thoughtful feedback to help my writing shine. Carrie is truly a light for other writers.

Patti Brown

Positive and Uplifting and Funny

I have known Carrie Jones for many years, and I’ve now had the pleasure of working with her in a professional capacity. Carrie was my writing coach through the WRITE, SUBMIT, SUPPORT program at The Writing Barn.

As a coach and support person, she was phenomenal. I greatly appreciated Carrie’s enthusiasm towards me and the other students. She took the time to know each of us. She was positive and uplifting in her messages, and funny, too!

Carrie is also a skilled writing teacher, honing in on the subtlest of details while also keeping the big picture of the story in view. She found the deficits in my story and was able to provide suggestions for solutions without being negative. She understands the difficulty writers encounter in this business and is always ready to help–whether by lifting our spirits or providing resources. I enjoyed having Carrie as my coach and I would highly recommend her to other writers.

Sara Crawford

By Far One of the Best

I was in the Write. Submit. Support class from The Writing Barn that was led by Carrie, and it was exactly what I needed. I’ve worked with a lot of different writing teachers and mentors in college classes, my MFA program, a playwriting apprenticeship, and various workshops and residencies, and Carrie was by far one of the best. Her feedback on my writing was extremely helpful but also encouraging and uplifting. She gave us a lot of thought-provoking and beneficial information in the monthly classes that helped me to see my writing from a different perspective. Every month, after our classes or after I received notes from her, I was inspired not only to write and improve my craft but to create in general–to write fiction, to write songs, to write plays, and to write content that would help other creative people and artists.

I also love how supportive Carrie is. She takes the time to really listen to you, encourage you, and support you, no matter where you are in your writing career or what your goals are. I also appreciate that she understands that everyone’s publishing path is different, and I was so grateful that I could turn to her for advice and support as I had to make some difficult decisions about my own career. I miss WSS now that the class is ofter, but fortunately, Carrie continues to produce informative and uplifting content for creatives every day–from her blog posts to her podcasts to her motivational thoughts posted alongside adorable dog photos on social media–and she inspires me to do the same. For anyone looking for a writing mentor/teacher/coach, I can’t recommend Carrie enough.