I was once driving Em to school and Bob and Sheri, this talk show, was on the radio and they were having callers talk about what is a huge turn-off. You know, what is it when you are on a date that makes a great big red light flash in your head and you go: WHOA! THIS DUDE/DUDETTE IS NOT FOR ME!
I’ve had a lot of these moments. *Cough. Cough* However, I’ve decided to make a top five list. Yes, I am limiting myself to five and I’m not actually writing anything super physically threatening here because it’s Monday and you can only handle so much on a Monday.
I think all genders can learn from this advice actually.
TOP FIVE THINGS MEN/BOYS HAVE DONE OR SAID TO ME THAT MADE ME GO ICK!So Don’t do these things, people.
*Note: All of these have actually happened to me before.
1. Finding a restraining order under the front seat of his car on your first date.
Actually, my dog found this, and I had to take it out of his doggy mouth because he would not let go of it. Let’s just say protection orders are never good. Hidden protection orders that your dog is drooling on? Those are the worst.
2. He has an apartment with absolutely no pictures on the walls, no knick knacks, no litter, no nothing.
Nothing says serial killer like this. Honestly, I was looking for big, blue tarps and duct tape.
3. He possesses the inability to get food in his mouth and instead gets it in your hair, my hair, your chin, the table, the floor, etc….
It’s just gross. Plus, it’s a waste of food.
4. Telling me I look like a bag lady. Not charming.
Seriously. Maine is cold in winter. Sometimes you have to layer. A lot.
5. Telling me that I look like a good breeder because even though I don’t have hips, I’m pale and I have blue eyes. Sorry. Racists and guys who think of women as ‘breeders’ are not a turn on. Ever.
So what about you? Have you ever been on a date where you were like: Nope. Nuh-uh. Never again.
You know I’m asking because I need story material, right? 🙂
May all your interactions be awesome ones, my friends!
I’ll be at CoeSpace in Bangor on June 7 as an artist! I know! I know! I’m hyperventilating about it already.
You can buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site.
IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!
My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
HEAR MY BOOK BABY (AND MORE) ON PATREON
On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things!
WHAT IS PATREON?
A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you.
HELP US AND DO AN AWESOME GOOD DEED
Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!