As you know, I am a woman of obsessions.
I am obsessed with mushrooms. Like I legit love them.
I am obsessed with children’s book writing world and lately I’ve become obsessed about my time in a house in Ellsworth, Maine where one of these obsessions was growing in the wood trim outside my shower IN MY OLD HOUSE.
I repeat: IN MY OLD HOUSE!
Spoiler:
It was not the children’s book writing world that was growing in the wood trim. It was mushrooms.
How wrong was that?
Yes, I know I am a writer. I know I have some issues with doing certain things, but I swear to Stephen Colbert and all things holy that I did actually clean my bathroom.
Law enforcement officials, please note that I also vow that I awas not growing magic mushrooms for any illegal drug purposes.
Do you know what this meant? It meant that the mushrooms are there for some evil, nefarious purpose.
It also meant that it was time for a –
THREAT DOWN FOR CHILDREN’S BOOK WRITERS:
It’s hard to be a children’s writer. And it isn’t just book banners, angry reviewers who don’t like comma splices, or paper cuts we have to worry about, folks. Our very existence is being threatened. Our happy homes are being infiltrated. It’s a dangerous world out there.
#1 Threat.
Mushrooms.
We think they are cute. We think Smurfs live under their polka-dotted roof tops, but no …
Really they are hanging out in our bathrooms waiting to strike, waiting to tell the world: LOOK AN ABSENT MINDED AUTHOR LIVES HERE AND SHE HAS NO CLEANING SKILLS!
They are directly related to
# 2 Threat.
Spores.
Because let’s face it, mushrooms are releasing these babies possibly causing hallucinations. We could be breathing them in. They could be the true reason behind Green Eggs and Ham, behind Knuffle Bunny, behind my sudden allergy to laptop computers. And they could also be the reason for …
#3 Threat.
Disembodied Voices in the Night.
Every night this week, I’ve heard a woman’s voice.
It’s said things like: Hufflepuffs.
Or maybe it was: Huff and puff.
I’m not sure. But it’s waking me up and creeping me out.
#4 Threat.
Other children’s authors.
Who other than other authors have obviously fed lines to the disembodied voice of the night. J.K. Rowling I’m talking to you! What am I going to hear next ?
Can I ever sleep again? Soon I’ll be seeing Lisa Yee’s giant Peep floating across the room.
Enough is enough guys! Do you hear me? Enough is enough!
5. Mosquitos
Colbert used to have a bear that was his big threat, but for me, it’s got to be the mosquitos behind this whole threat down.
I’m covered in welts.
I’m obsessing about past mushroom-home incidents.
I’m actually blogging about it all.
Could someone just come over and sedate me now? Please…? That way I don’t have to work on this revision.
WRITING NEWS
IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, ORDER NOW!
My new book, IN THE WOODS, is out!
Gasp!
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
You can order this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
ART NEWS
You can buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site.
PATREON OF AWESOME
You can get exclusive content, early podcasts, videos, art and listen (or read) never-to-be-officially published writings of Carrie on her Patreon. Levels go from $1 to $100 (That one includes writing coaching and editing for you wealthy peeps).
WHAT IS PATREON?
A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you.