Random Things People Said to Me at My Dad’s Funeral

My dad died a few years ago. He was an awesome hobbit dad. He lasted less than two weeks from his lung cancer diagnosis (which happened on the day of the Boston Marathon bombing).

My mom’s side of the family is known for having no chill, for being quick-tempered. My dad’s side is known for having absolutely no filters. That makes for an interesting funeral when you get all those people together and add in people who aren’t relatives? The dialogue is stuff that if I tried to make up, readers would say, “Nobody would say that.”

Random things people said to me at my father’s funeral: 

Older lady who no longer has a waist: “I once had a 19-inch waist. Really 19 inches. It was like that small. “

She then makes a six-inch circle with her hands.

Another older lady: “If I paid you, would you speak at my funeral? Is this your profession? Are you a professional speaker? My kids won’t be able to do half a good a job as you. “

Old man with bad teeth in a creepy way: “I still have my own teeth.” 

One of my relatives in a creepy way: “Wow. You look hot. Va-va-voom.” 

Middle-aged man in a super creepy way: “There are so many reasons that I’m alone. So alone. I’m alone. I never met your father.” 

Older man in a happy way: “I broke seven ribs. Seven. Damn. I’m an over achiever, aren’t I?”

Middle-aged woman: “I’m writing a book.”
Middle-aged woman: “You should go to Greece.”
Middle-aged woman: “Will you read my book? It’s about co-parenting.”

Younger person: “Why green eggs and ham though? Why not orange? You’re a writer, you should know that.” 

Younger person: “Your dad was the most honest, most kind man ever.” 

My aunt: “What’s your name again? Debbie? Betty? Emily? Carrie? Carrie! Who the hell is Carrie?”

I forgot how much material for books families can provide.

I hope you all have these sort of moments even in times of sadness, moments where you bring your whole heart and mind into a conversation, say what just comes out, meet people with compassion and love even when they show you their absolute worst selves and stand as solidly as you can when greeted by loss, or ignorance, or hate. Stay strong friends, okay?



My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed! 

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

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On February first, I launched my Patreon site where I’m reading chapters (in order) of a never-published teen fantasy novel, releasing deleted scenes and art from some of my more popular books. And so much more. Come hang out with me! Get cool things! 

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A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. Image

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Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness on the DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE podcast as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!


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You can buy some of my art. I paint to help inform my stories and some of the prints are available now. There will be more soon. You can check it out here. 

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