1.
You’ve started having all your characters drink Coke Zero in every scene in hopes of a sponsorship.
ie: “Mmm, this Coke Zero is yummy,” Chloe said, quenching her thirst and then staring at Brad as the realization sunk in. “What do you mean, my dad is a gorilla?”
“He’s a primate, I swear. I saw him drinking a Coke Zero with Principal Johnson,” Brad said, sipping his own Coke Zero. “They were using bananas for straws.”
“Liar!” Chloe threw her Coke Zero at Brad. Precious Coke Zero spilled over the floor. Cola, the dog, quickly lapped it up.
2. You’ve started signing on your picture book query letters MADONNA or BEYOND or even IVANKA in the hopes that someone will read it.
Note: This is likely to be more successful if you also dress up like Madonna and send a photo of yourself in that pointy bra thing she used to wear in the 1980s. This works for both men and women.
Hint: Try not to send audio files of yourself signing “Material Girl.” Only your mom finds that cute. Really. This is also true for both men and women.
3.
You agree to put full page ads for diet pills in your tween novel about girls in cliques who like hair products and spas. Just for the heck of it, you put in hair product advertising spreads on pages 229 and 123-124.
4.
You post a mantra on your computer: IT’S NOT SELLING OUT. IT’S JUST ENSURING FISCAL SUCCESS.
5.
You give in to what you know you shouldn’t do and regret it, regret it, regret it. This is explained in this sad and brilliant, honest post by author Eric J. Adams. http://www.1099.com/c/co/dw/ea/eadams001.html
This almost happened to me twice when artists put guns on my cover even though there were no guns in those books. I am conflict averse, but this is mostly because I am like the hulk and have no chill. I stood firm on the no gun thing. My editors agreed. The guns were gone. I am forever grateful for those fantastic editors for caring and supporting me. I wish that had also happened to the author in the linked post.
In writer news, TIME STOPPERS, is on sale for $1.99 in November in ebook form so go buy it! My publisher says that people have to buy my books in order for me to be a professional author. Hold on, I’m rethinking that Coke Zero thing. Here’s the link.
