I am a potato fan. But all our potatoes lately have been – gasp – green. It’s desperate times, my friend, so I’m trying to convince the carnivores in the family that mashed turnips is an okay substitute.
If you are trying to do this in your own home story, do not let the other cast of characters see the actual turnip before you mash the bugger.
Also, um, buy my books. 🙂
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EAT THE MASHED TURNIP IT IS DESPERATE TIMES, AUTHOR
Find turnips out there somewhere. Do not judge them by their looks. Admire their looks. It's like an ombre.
Give the turnips a bath like they were at Burning Man for weeks.
Peel the turnips. Think about peeling back the layers of character motivation.
Cut turnips into big pieces. Make those pieces the same size.
Wonder why things must be the same size to cook evenly. It seems unfair. Try not to feel too much empathy for this cut up, peeled, and cleaned turnip pieces.
Cry because you really wanted potatoes and you can't do this any longer.
Why must everything be so hard?
Cry more and go write a sonnet about hard times and turnips.
Put turnips in a pot.
Drown them with cold water.
Recite your Turnip Sonnet Eulogy. Make sure to mention muses and potatoes and feeling like you're never good enough, darn it. Never!
Cry and bring to a boil.
Put salt in the water.
Don't let the water boil over because that will be a starchy mess like your tear-stained face and sonnet.
Cook those babies until fork tender. This takes around 10 to 15 minutes post boiling.
Find another pan.
Heat the milk in it over low heat.
Add the butter. Let the butter melt into the milk. Take it off the heat. Convince yourself nobody will notice these are turnips and not potatoes just like nobody noticed that your erotic novel was a christian allegory.
Drain the turnips.
Put the turnips back in their pot.
Shake it a lot for three minutes while singing that Taylor Swift song about shaking things off. Wonder if you can incorporate that into your turnip sonnet. Shake things for 2-3 minutes. Things mean turnips, pots, your bum.
Mash the turnips.
Add via stirring the milk and butter mix.
Add salt. Salt is good. Salt should be in the sonnet.