TAHINI NOODLE BOWLS OF ELLIPSES FUN

Ellipses are these addictive little … that you see throughout people’s stories and social medias. But there are rules for how to use these little bad boys and sometimes when they are used all the time or used in the wrong way? Well, it can make even the calmest writer get a little ranty.

The noodles are delicious….

Print Recipe
TAHINI NOODLE BOWLS OF ELLIPSES FUN
Sometimes you just need a little ... in your life.
Instructions
  1. Okay. Are you ready? Maybe too ready...?
  2. You want to make the tahini sauce....
  3. You do not want to obsess about the social media post you just saw by your archnemesis, SHE WHO CANNOT USE THE ELLIPSES CORRECTLY BUT STILL HAS A MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEAL.
  4. No. Do not obsess. Instead, combining tahini, soy sauce, sriracha, ginger paste, garlic, rice wine vinegar, agave, oil and water in a blender.
  5. Blend. It should all combine . . . .
  6. Put it aside. You'll use it later, just like you'll use the ellipses in your own social media post CORRECTLY later.
  7. Think about vengeance.
  8. Think about subtweeting.
  9. Wonder if you can just tweet LOOK, AUTHORS. THERE ARE EITHER THREE DOTS IN AN ELLIPSES OR FOUR NOT THIRTY-SEVEN, SWEET MOTHER OF SELTZER WATER, GET A CLUE.
  10. Worry that you have anger issues.
  11. Those rice noodles came in a package, right? Make them according to the package directions. Yes. Follow the directions just like you follow the simple rules of grammar.
  12. Spoiler: The simple rules of grammar say that an ellipses usually indicates a trailing off of thought. Use three if it's an incomplete sentence. Use four if it's a real sentence.
  13. Wonder if MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEAL AUTHOR knows what a complete sentence is.
  14. Worry that you're being petty.
  15. Realize you are.
  16. But seriously...
  17. When the noodles are done cooking and you've stopped stewing and done some meditative and restorative chanting, rinse those noodles in running cold water.
  18. Set the burner to medium heat. Put oil in pan on top of the burner on medium heat. Warm oil up.
  19. Add noodles (cooked and floppy) to the pan and also add about 1-2 tablespoons of the tahini sauce you made.
  20. Sauté it up for 2 minutes.
  21. Delete your social media post about ellipses and feel badly that you were so full of anger. Writers are about empathy. Blah. Blah. Blah. It's no wonder you don't have a million-dollar book deal.
  22. Cool off noodles or don't. It's up to you.
  23. Combine noodles with your veggies. Toss them all together. They are one big writer family. . . . One big writer family that correctly knows how to use punctuation.
  24. Split it into four bowls (because we aren't really one big happy writer family).
  25. Put green onion, cilantro, sesame seeds, and tahini sauce on top.
Recipe Notes

NOTES * This dish is adapted from the Savory Vegan, which is a super good source of recipes. The name of this recipe over there is a bit weird because it seems to clump all Asian cuisine together, but the recipe is still yummy, I promise and there is a ton of good stuff on the site. 

Sweet Potato Tahini Butter Recipe

Sometimes people are buttheads.

They will mess everything up and then point out your mistakes. They will tell you on social media that you put too many s’s in some word. They will complain to other people that you didn’t invite them to a meeting for a project that your club is doing when they aren’t even in your club.

They will tell you that the world doesn’t need another book about a hamster falling in love with a modem.

And you might want to lose your chill.

Don’t do it.

Eat these instead.

Man Verdict:

DEAR GOD WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE MORE.

Dog Verdict:

Any sweet potato is a good sweet potato.

My Verdict:

I love these. The end.


WRITING NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed! 

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

In the Woods
In the Woods


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Check it out here.

WHAT IS PATREON? 

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Print Recipe
Sweet Potato, Tahini Butter Recipe and I AM NOT LOSING MY DAMN CHILL
This is adapted from the Bon Appetit version. It's much more chill.
Sweet Potato, Tahini Butter recipe and I AM NOT LOSING MY DAMN CHILL I AM A WRITER AND I AM TOTALLY MELLOW AND CREATIVE AND STUFF.
Cuisine vegetarian
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 33 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Cuisine vegetarian
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 33 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Sweet Potato, Tahini Butter recipe and I AM NOT LOSING MY DAMN CHILL I AM A WRITER AND I AM TOTALLY MELLOW AND CREATIVE AND STUFF.
Instructions
  1. Haters got to hate, right? But you can make something delicious and rejoice, writer. Nope. I'm not talking about a subtweet. I'm talking about sweet potatoes.
  2. Let's get started with our Sweet Potato Revenge. Boil water in a pot that can hold a steamer basket big enough to hold sweet potatoes.
  3. Half the sweet potatoes. Imagine they are the heads of your enemies. No. Don't do that. That's gory.
  4. Put the halved potato heads into the steamer. Cover the pot. Lower the heat to medium. STEAM THOSE HEADS!!! Cackle. Steam them until they are tender when stabbed multiple times with a fork.
  5. Try not to stab them multiple times unless you really really really need to.
  6. Okay, when that scary stuff is happening on the stove, take some calming breaths in through your nose. Now rejoice because you get to smash the lime juice with the butter, tahini, sesame oil and soy sauce. SMASH IT! HULK SMASH IT! Smash it until it's smooth.
  7. This should take three minutes. If you are smashing for more than three minutes, you might want to call a friend to vent to or maybe just write a dramatic poem about your hater. That's chill. That's using the emotion for art. You are so cool.
  8. Put a ton of salt (non flaky) and pepper on the butter that is not officially tahini butter.
  9. Think about how your hater doesn't get to eat this deliciousness. Maybe cackle softly again.
  10. Take the potatoes (carefully) out of the steamer. Put those potatoes on a large plate. Let them cool down so you don't get hurt.
  11. Once those potatoes are chilled out enough then cut the sections in half. Spread the butter all over it.
  12. Put sea salt and then sesame seeds on it. Add some lime wedges. You are beautiful. Eat.