The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing

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The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing
The man who lives here hates all things tomato (except spaghetti sauce and ketchup). We made this anyway. Romance is not dead. Is it?
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Find a BIG saucepan. Think about writing romance. The word “BIG” always seems to be in romances.
  2. Imagine the saucepan is representative of all your future readers longing for a sexy, romantic book that you will give them. Feel good for a hot second before you realize that you’re just imagining.
  3. Put the saucepan over medium heat.
  4. Be impressed still. Look, you’re trying right? Prepublished is just published with a pre. Imagine the plot of your romance. Will there be a pirate? No. Too done. A female pirate? Maybe. A nonbinary pirate. That sounds pretty cool, actually.
  5. Melt butter. Put onions in butter. Saute it until the butter is wilty like your sexy pirate’s heart when they meet the naval official determined to stop their pillaging. Worry about the hostile overtones of words like ‘pillaging.’ Keep writing.
  6. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, sugar, salt, basil, thyme, oregano, and pepper; simmer for 10 minutes, stir it a bit. You could do so many sexy things with tomatoes, sugar, paste, and salt. Make your pirate a chef just like you. Pirate chefs are sexy.
  7. Add flour and 3/4 cup broth or water. How will you make the government official sexy? Decide this is hopeless as a love interest. Substitute in a merperson. Way better. Maybe a manatee sidekick?
  8. Mix that until it forms a smooth paste. Pretend that paste is a plot.
  9. Admire your work. It smells pretty sexy, doesn’t it?
  10. Stir that pasteyness sort of slowly into the tomato mixture.
  11. Put the rest of the broth in there, too. Sigh in a sort of seductive way as your soup sighs at you.
  12. Make that boil like the unbridled emotions inside of you and also inside of your pirate chef.
  13. Stir for two minutes, or until it gets thick like a sexy sexy pirate chef.
  14. Reduce heat.
  15. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes of will they or won’t they get together.
  16. When tomatoes are tender take it off the heat.
  17. Find the cream. Dump it in. Stir it up. Serve. Feel pretty satisfied.
Recipe Notes

Adapted from Taste of Home and my Grammy Barnard. https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/fresh-cream-of-tomato-soup/

Butter My Biscuit Recipe

Sometimes, you just have to make biscuits. Sometimes, you don’t want to buy a whole big thing of buttermilk to make biscuits. This, my friend, is why God created plain yogurt.

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Biscuits Without Buttermilk, Baby
Butter my biscuits recipe
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Servings
Ingredients
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Servings
Ingredients
Butter my biscuits recipe
Instructions
  1. Okay, writers. Are you ready? You can do this.
  2. Find your oven. Put the rack to the second lowest place it can be in the oven. Close the door. Turn the oven onto 400-degrees Fahrenheit. Think about the word Fahrenheit. Darn that is such a fun word.
  3. Say it a few times for fun, "Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit." Start singing it.
  4. Continue singing as you sift flour into a bowl. While you add sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt, turn that chant into a song. Give it a Billie Eilish vibe as you whisk for about 1 minute.
  5. Realize you should not write Russian-sized novels and should be a songwriter instead. That would be cool, right?
  6. Imagine accepting your Grammy for songwriting as you add the butter.
  7. Smash the butter cubes. Make them flat. Do not make your song flat, that would be depressing.
  8. Rub and smash and mix that butter until it has almost completely disappeared - like your dreams of a Pulitzer. It's okay. You have Grammy dreams now.
  9. Get the yogurt out of the fridge and add it. Let the flour take it into its mix. Does it look dry? DO NOT STRESS. Mix it until it all comes together like a really tight band singing your Fahrenheit song.
  10. Is it kind of a ball now? Good. Put it on a surface that you've sprinkled some flour on.
  11. Sing.
  12. Make that dough kind of square. Make it 1/2 inch thick. Sing more. Fold the square in half. Fold it two more times. Pat it like you're patting the bunny and that bunny is now only ¾ inch thick. Cut those babies into 1 3/4-inch circles.
  13. THINK OF A BISCUIT SONG! That could be your second hit. Decide to call it, "Butter my Biscuit as you put the dough circles in a 10-inch cast iron skillet.
  14. Put it in the oven for 20 minutes. Rest for 5 minutes. During that time go buy songwriting software even though you were too cheap to buy buttermilk, you writing dork, you. Enjoy the carbs!
Recipe Notes

This wonderful recipe was adapted from Serious Eats and Stella Parks, who is a genius and has a much easier to follow version and all sorts of good stuff. You should check them out and also eat biscuits

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation


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I Just Can't Any More Spinach Miso Noodles

This is adapted from a GH recipe.

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes

Servings
people who don't eat a lot


Ingredients

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes

Servings
people who don't eat a lot


Ingredients

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation


Instructions
  1. Let's say you're earning some extra money on REEDSY, but the STRIPE account isn't working because the STRIPE people don't think you're real or something? That's the kind of recipe this is.

  2. And let's say you're supposed to get money on Monday, and then no, it's Wednesday, nope forget it - Friday now - because they have to keep 'verifying' your account. That's the kind of recipe this is.

  3. This is the recipe of desperation, writers.

  4. So get a big saucepan and put water in it. Water is almost free, right? You can still afford that.

  5. Put it on a burner. Put the burner on medium.

  6. Find a bowl. Whisk ½ cup boiling water in with the miso paste. Try not to cackle Try not to cry. Try not to think about how much miso paste costs.

  7. Put rice boodles in the pot. Follow their directions and get them tender, tender like your bank account, tender like your little writer heart.

  8. Stir.

  9. Add tofu, spinach, oil, miso stuff.

  10. Stir until that spinach looks wilted and sad like your bank account.

  11. Serve with eggs if you're playing like that.

Red Curry Rice of Revision Hell

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Red Curry Rice of Revision Hell
This recipe is adapted from the fantastic Cookie and Kate
Cuisine vegetarian
Servings
people
Ingredients
Cuisine vegetarian
Servings
people
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Cook that jasmine rice. Worry that it isn't the right rice. Worry you aren't the right writer to cook it. Boil it in a pot of water for 30 minutes. Don't let it overflow like your 197,000-word picture book about anarchy.
  2. Drain. Put it back in the pot. Let it rest for 10 minutes or more. Fluff it up when it's time. All works need a good fluffer.
  3. Wonder how you can possibly chop 196,000 words out of your brilliant picture book so that it's the appropriate publishing-industry 'approved' length. Sob as you put a big skillet on medium heat.
  4. When it's hot, add the oil. Wonder if you can even judge this if you can't manage to cut a mere five words out of your picture book, the ABC's of ANARCHY.
  5. Throw in the onion, some salt. Stir a lot. Stir for 5 minutes. Cry. Why do no publishers understand that children under three are indeed ready for your picture book and can read things that long and sustain attention.
  6. Add garlic, ginger, cook 30 seconds. Continue stirring.
  7. All you do is stir.
  8. The man is making you stir, isn't he? He also created those picture book rules.
  9. To heck with the man. You'll self publish it. You don't need to cut or revise. You don't need the man.
  10. Put the peppers and carrots in. Cook for 5 minutes. Add curry past. Cook for two minutes
  11. Feel happy that you don't have to revise.
  12. Keep adding on words. I mean ingredients. Add kale, water, coconut milk, sugar. Keep stirring. Make it simmer and then lower that heat to keep it gentle but not too harsh. Just like the voice in your picture book. This should take between 5-10 minutes. You get to decide when it's ready. LOOK AT THAT POWER! Feel powerful. You are in charge of your destiny!
  13. Take it off the stove. Add soy sauce and juice. Add salt. If it's too mellow add more soy sauce. Serve it with that fluffy rice and rejoice!