The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing

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The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing
The man who lives here hates all things tomato (except spaghetti sauce and ketchup). We made this anyway. Romance is not dead. Is it?
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Find a BIG saucepan. Think about writing romance. The word “BIG” always seems to be in romances.
  2. Imagine the saucepan is representative of all your future readers longing for a sexy, romantic book that you will give them. Feel good for a hot second before you realize that you’re just imagining.
  3. Put the saucepan over medium heat.
  4. Be impressed still. Look, you’re trying right? Prepublished is just published with a pre. Imagine the plot of your romance. Will there be a pirate? No. Too done. A female pirate? Maybe. A nonbinary pirate. That sounds pretty cool, actually.
  5. Melt butter. Put onions in butter. Saute it until the butter is wilty like your sexy pirate’s heart when they meet the naval official determined to stop their pillaging. Worry about the hostile overtones of words like ‘pillaging.’ Keep writing.
  6. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, sugar, salt, basil, thyme, oregano, and pepper; simmer for 10 minutes, stir it a bit. You could do so many sexy things with tomatoes, sugar, paste, and salt. Make your pirate a chef just like you. Pirate chefs are sexy.
  7. Add flour and 3/4 cup broth or water. How will you make the government official sexy? Decide this is hopeless as a love interest. Substitute in a merperson. Way better. Maybe a manatee sidekick?
  8. Mix that until it forms a smooth paste. Pretend that paste is a plot.
  9. Admire your work. It smells pretty sexy, doesn’t it?
  10. Stir that pasteyness sort of slowly into the tomato mixture.
  11. Put the rest of the broth in there, too. Sigh in a sort of seductive way as your soup sighs at you.
  12. Make that boil like the unbridled emotions inside of you and also inside of your pirate chef.
  13. Stir for two minutes, or until it gets thick like a sexy sexy pirate chef.
  14. Reduce heat.
  15. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes of will they or won’t they get together.
  16. When tomatoes are tender take it off the heat.
  17. Find the cream. Dump it in. Stir it up. Serve. Feel pretty satisfied.
Recipe Notes

Adapted from Taste of Home and my Grammy Barnard. https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/fresh-cream-of-tomato-soup/

Beans, Refried like Revised but Better, YangGang Style

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Beans, Refried like Revised but Better
Servings
Ingredients
Servings
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Mince the cilantro, garlic, parsley. Stay true to your vision. Don't think about the cilantro haters. They won't know it's in there if you don't tell them just like NO READER will ever figure out that the evil mayor in your magical town in your middle grade fantasy is actually the president. Oops. They know now.
  2. Dice the onion and tomato. Don't think about the tomato haters. They are always whining. This is why they have no Twitter followers. Stay true to your vision.
  3. Open the cans of pinto beans. Yep. Open them. Don't just toss them around and juggle them like your subplots. Drain excess liquid and think about how draining is such a mean-sounding verb. "DRAIN THE BEANS!" Wonder if this could be a campaign slogan if you ever transition from writer to politician.
  4. Cough uncomfortably. You'd secretly like that, wouldn't you? All those cool speeches. People would APPLAUD your words or write mean tweets about you, but you would get attention - real attention. Imagine how many Twitter followers you could have. Maybe you should write about this.
  5. Go write. Think about UBI and how many cans of pinto beans you could afford if that happened.
  6. Actually come back and make the food. Put oil in a pot.
  7. Set the temp to medium.
  8. Saute the garlic, onion and tomato in there.
  9. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, and oregano.
  10. Add the parsley and cilantro.
  11. Cook 10 minutes or so until onions are translucent or about 10 minutes.
  12. YOU CAN WRITE YOUR SPEECH IN THIS AMOUNT OF TIME! GO WRITE!
  13. Make sure to get "DRAIN THE BEANS" in there.
  14. Add beans.
  15. Stir.
  16. Add 1/2 cup water.
  17. Lower temperature to a simmer that resembles your new political aspirations.
  18. Realize you have a chance at this if you use the hashtag #yanggang on a all social media.
  19. For 30 minutes write your political thoughts on Twitter using the hashtag. Watch your following grow.
  20. Eat.
Recipe Notes

UBI stands for Universal Base Income. You can find out more about Andrew Yang's proposal here