Red Curry Rice of Revision Hell

Print Recipe
Red Curry Rice of Revision Hell
This recipe is adapted from the fantastic Cookie and Kate
Cuisine vegetarian
Servings
people
Ingredients
Cuisine vegetarian
Servings
people
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Cook that jasmine rice. Worry that it isn't the right rice. Worry you aren't the right writer to cook it. Boil it in a pot of water for 30 minutes. Don't let it overflow like your 197,000-word picture book about anarchy.
  2. Drain. Put it back in the pot. Let it rest for 10 minutes or more. Fluff it up when it's time. All works need a good fluffer.
  3. Wonder how you can possibly chop 196,000 words out of your brilliant picture book so that it's the appropriate publishing-industry 'approved' length. Sob as you put a big skillet on medium heat.
  4. When it's hot, add the oil. Wonder if you can even judge this if you can't manage to cut a mere five words out of your picture book, the ABC's of ANARCHY.
  5. Throw in the onion, some salt. Stir a lot. Stir for 5 minutes. Cry. Why do no publishers understand that children under three are indeed ready for your picture book and can read things that long and sustain attention.
  6. Add garlic, ginger, cook 30 seconds. Continue stirring.
  7. All you do is stir.
  8. The man is making you stir, isn't he? He also created those picture book rules.
  9. To heck with the man. You'll self publish it. You don't need to cut or revise. You don't need the man.
  10. Put the peppers and carrots in. Cook for 5 minutes. Add curry past. Cook for two minutes
  11. Feel happy that you don't have to revise.
  12. Keep adding on words. I mean ingredients. Add kale, water, coconut milk, sugar. Keep stirring. Make it simmer and then lower that heat to keep it gentle but not too harsh. Just like the voice in your picture book. This should take between 5-10 minutes. You get to decide when it's ready. LOOK AT THAT POWER! Feel powerful. You are in charge of your destiny!
  13. Take it off the stove. Add soy sauce and juice. Add salt. If it's too mellow add more soy sauce. Serve it with that fluffy rice and rejoice!
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Basil Tomato Creamy Pasta for Valentines Day

Print Recipe
Basil Tomato Creamy Pasta for Valentines Day
This recipe was recommended by Alyson and is adapted from Lee Hirsh of Fit Foodie Finds
Quirky and funny vegetarian recipes redone with author Carrie Jones featuring Basil Tomato Creamy Pasta for Valentines Day
Cuisine american, Italian
Keyword pasta
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Passive Time overnight soaking
Servings
people
Ingredients
Cuisine american, Italian
Keyword pasta
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Passive Time overnight soaking
Servings
people
Ingredients
Quirky and funny vegetarian recipes redone with author Carrie Jones featuring Basil Tomato Creamy Pasta for Valentines Day
Instructions
  1. First, prepare for your meal of love and put your beautiful, expensive cashews in a big bowl and leave them there overnight while you dream of their beautiful, exquisite form. Maybe write a sonnet about them.
  2. It is the next day! Writer, you are in love with your story and therefore you are in love with life so go put that stove on 400.
  3. Line a pan with tinfoil or aluminum foil. Wait. What is it? When did this word change? Resist the urge to look it up and just use the shiny stuff.
  4. Look at all your adorable ingredients. They are the character in the story called DINNER. Love them up. Maybe kiss them quickly. Make sure nobody is watching
  5. Put all the tomatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, salt, and pepper on top of the lined baking sheet. ADORE THEM!
  6. Find the olive oil and drizzle its juice all over the vegetables on the sheet. Do not breathe heavily. This is not porn. This is dinner.
  7. Feel guilty that your brain even went there.
  8. Put it in the oven and shut it. Are you feeling ashamed? It's okay. It's all behind the oven door now. Keep it all back there, hidden, for 20 minutes.
  9. Take the pan out. Skin the tomatoes. Dear God! What have you become? It started out so lovingly and now you are skinning tomatoes! YOU ARE A WRITER NOT A DEMON! YOU ARE NO HANNIBEL! Take no pleasure in this step. Also be careful not to burn your fingers.
  10. Cook pasta according to its directions.
  11. Hide it all in the oven again for ten minutes and breathe deeply. Practice your mantras. Repeat after me, "I cook with love. I cook with love. I cook with love."
  12. You know those cashews you've been drowning all night? Put them in a blender. Add the vegetables and their juices. Blend. Blend it until smooth until there's no damn evidence that these things were once separate entities. Add salt.
  13. Mix it up with the pasta. Eat it. Check for cameras.

Mushroom Pasta of Love

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Mushroom Pasta of Love
This is adapted from a recipe by Chef John on Allrecipes, which is a recipe website with SO MANY recipes.
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Passive Time 0 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Sometimes you need love. So you heat oil in a large skillet via the heat rank of medium, right?
  2. Watch that oil slowly bubble up the way love does.
  3. When the oil is warm put those mushrooms in there and stir it up. Sure, the mushroom shrink eventually, but look at how they all seem to love each other. A writer's life should be like that, right? Building each other up instead of tearing down. Add a little salt because we are salty people.
  4. Brown those mushrooms, which will take about 10 minutes.
  5. Put some garlic in with the mushrooms and the tiny bit of salty writer personality.
  6. Garlic is the smell of warm nights and memoirs by ladies in their 40s. Look beyond this.
  7. Cook the garlic for 1 minute. Add the sherry and/or red wine. This is the smell of ladies reading other ladies' memoirs and feeling envious. Watch that wine evaporate.
  8. Try to not let your love hopes evaporate. You're a writer and you need love. You also need health care. Sometimes these magical things come together in the form of a spouse with a job that has benefits.
  9. Add chicken stock. Add pepper and salt to taste. Get it warm enough to simmer and then cool things back down like you're in a romantic comedy and you have commitment issues.
  10. Cook about five minutes. It will be a thicker substance, sort of like a writer in a relationship after five years of steady meals and healthcare.
  11. Add cream. Stir. Simmer it for another five. It should get thicker because you're at the 10 minute/year relationship mark and this is to be expected.
  12. Hey! Did you forget about the pasta? MAKE THE PASTA! I know! I know, we were all focused on the sexy, love part of the relationship - the tasty part, but we need structure and a good foundation, too.
  13. Cook the pasta and when it's done, drain it. Don't rinse it. Put it in a bowl.
  14. Go back to your creamy, sexy mushroom mixture and all of those chopped things (tarragon, chives, thyme) and turn off the heat. That's a hard phrase to write when you're talking about love, but trust me and do it.
  15. Stir in the cheese - ½ cup of it Let it melt.
  16. Mix all this up with the pasta. Then use the rest of the cheese and sprinkle it on top to make the Love Pasta look pretty like an Instagram photo.

Hash That Cauliflower, Baby

Cauliflower Hash Recipe
Cauliflower Hash Recipe

This baby is a no-brainer in my quest to make the family eat less meat.

Why?

Because when you mash up a cauliflower? It’s almost like a potato or something. It becomes magical.

This super easy recipe is perfect for my little magical family. I hope it’s perfect for yours, too.

This recipe is completely adapted from An Edible Mosaic.

Print Recipe
Hash That Cauliflower, Baby
Writers like to hack things up. No, wait. That's editors.
Cauliflower Hash Recipe
Cuisine vegetarian
Keyword cauliflower
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time none we are not passive
Servings
humans
Ingredients
Cuisine vegetarian
Keyword cauliflower
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time none we are not passive
Servings
humans
Ingredients
Cauliflower Hash Recipe
Instructions
  1. FIND A SKILLET. Is the house to messy? Did you find one? PUT THE OIL IN THE SKILLET AND TURN THE BURNER ON MEDIUM HEAT.
  2. Is the oil sort of medium heatness? Good. PUT THOSE CAULIFLOWER TREES in there. DO NOT STIR! DO NOT TOUCH IT! I know. I know. This is hard. Distract yourself from your need to stir by using your writer imagination. Imagine they are white little trees. Or warts? Why do they look like warts? Rethink this recipe. Rethink cauliflower. Refuse to think and COOK CAULIFLOWER FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES. It will start to change color a bit.
  3. STIR IT NOW. ADD THE SPICES AND WATER. FIND A COVER TO THE SKILLET! Panic because you forgot about the cover. PUT THE COVER ON TOP. COOK FOR 3-5 minutes. The cauliflower will be tender but not a giant mush.
  4. TAKE THE COVER OFF. TURN THE HEAT TO LOW. ADD THE GARLIC. COOK 2 MINUTES and STIR LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER STIRRED BEFORE! THIS IS YOUR TIME TO STIR! CLAIM IT!
  5. Sorry for the caps lock. I got excited. STIR IN THE LEMON JUICE. Watch it evaporate. This takes less than a minute.
  6. Sprinkle parsley on it. If you aren't really a vegetarian, put a fried egg on there. But... you know...

MAN VERDICT – There is not nearly enough of this.

CARRIE VERDICT – I didn’t get to eat any.

DOG VERDICT – Neither did we!

Writing and Other News

Art.

I do art stuff. You can find it and buy a print here. 

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Time Stoppers!

You can order my middle grade fantasy novel Time Stoppers Escape From the Badlands here or anywhere.

People call it a cross between Harry Potter and Percy Jackson but it’s set in Maine. It’s full of adventure, quirkiness and heart.

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Moe Berg

The Spy Who Played Baseball is a picture book biography about Moe Berg. And… there’s a movie out now about Moe Berg, a major league baseball player who became a spy. How cool is that?

It’s awesome and quirky and fun.

FLYING AND ENHANCED

Men in Black meet Buffy the Vampire Slayer? You know it. You can buy them hereor anywhere.

OUR PODCAST – DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can. Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow. There’s a new episode every Tuesday!

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Writing Coach

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Writing Barn

I am super psyched to be teaching the six-month long Write. Submit. Support. class at the Writing Barn!

Are you looking for a group to support you in your writing process and help set achievable goals? Are you looking for the feedback and connections that could potentially lead you to that book deal you’ve been working towards?

Our Write. Submit. Support. (WSS) six-month ONLINE course offers structure and support not only to your writing lives and the manuscripts at hand, but also to the roller coaster ride of submissions: whether that be submitting to agents or, if agented, weathering the submissions to editors.

Past Write. Submit. Support. students have gone on to receive representation from literary agents across the country. View one of our most recent success stories here

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