EAT THE MASHED TURNIP IT IS DESPERATE TIMES, AUTHOR – COOKING WITH A WRITER

I am a potato fan. But all our potatoes lately have been – gasp – green. It’s desperate times, my friend, so I’m trying to convince the carnivores in the family that mashed turnips is an okay substitute.

EAT THE MASHED TURNIP IT IS DESPERATE TIMES, AUTHOR - COOKING WITH A WRITER

If you are trying to do this in your own home story, do not let the other cast of characters see the actual turnip before you mash the bugger.

Also, um, buy my books. 🙂

Carrie Jones Books is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com

Print Recipe
EAT THE MASHED TURNIP IT IS DESPERATE TIMES, AUTHOR
This is adapted from THE SPRUCE EATS, one of my favorite recipe sites. https://www.thespruceeats.com/easy-delicious-mashed-turnips-2217302
Course side dish
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 20 minutes
Servings
people who aren't annoying about turnips
Ingredients
Course side dish
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 20 minutes
Servings
people who aren't annoying about turnips
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Find turnips out there somewhere. Do not judge them by their looks. Admire their looks. It's like an ombre.
  2. Give the turnips a bath like they were at Burning Man for weeks.
  3. Peel the turnips. Think about peeling back the layers of character motivation.
  4. Cut turnips into big pieces. Make those pieces the same size.
  5. Wonder why things must be the same size to cook evenly. It seems unfair. Try not to feel too much empathy for this cut up, peeled, and cleaned turnip pieces.
  6. Cry because you really wanted potatoes and you can't do this any longer.
  7. Why must everything be so hard?
  8. Cry more and go write a sonnet about hard times and turnips.
  9. Put turnips in a pot.
  10. Drown them with cold water.
  11. Recite your Turnip Sonnet Eulogy. Make sure to mention muses and potatoes and feeling like you're never good enough, darn it. Never!
  12. Cry and bring to a boil.
  13. Put salt in the water.
  14. Don't let the water boil over because that will be a starchy mess like your tear-stained face and sonnet.
  15. Cook those babies until fork tender. This takes around 10 to 15 minutes post boiling.
  16. Find another pan.
  17. Heat the milk in it over low heat.
  18. Add the butter. Let the butter melt into the milk. Take it off the heat. Convince yourself nobody will notice these are turnips and not potatoes just like nobody noticed that your erotic novel was a christian allegory.
  19. Drain the turnips.
  20. Put the turnips back in their pot.
  21. Shake it a lot for three minutes while singing that Taylor Swift song about shaking things off. Wonder if you can incorporate that into your turnip sonnet. Shake things for 2-3 minutes. Things mean turnips, pots, your bum.
  22. Mash the turnips.
  23. Add via stirring the milk and butter mix.
  24. Add salt. Salt is good. Salt should be in the sonnet.
Recipe Notes

Again, this comes from Molly Watson at The Spruce Eats and the link is here. 

The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing


Print Recipe


The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing

The man who lives here hates all things tomato (except spaghetti sauce and ketchup). We made this anyway. Romance is not dead. Is it?

Course soup
Cuisine american

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes

Servings


Ingredients

Course soup
Cuisine american

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes

Servings


Ingredients


Instructions
  1. Find a BIG saucepan. Think about writing romance. The word “BIG” always seems to be in romances.

  2. Imagine the saucepan is representative of all your future readers longing for a sexy, romantic book that you will give them. Feel good for a hot second before you realize that you’re just imagining.

  3. Put the saucepan over medium heat.

  4. Be impressed still. Look, you’re trying right? Prepublished is just published with a pre. Imagine the plot of your romance. Will there be a pirate? No. Too done. A female pirate? Maybe. A nonbinary pirate. That sounds pretty cool, actually.

  5. Melt butter. Put onions in butter. Saute it until the butter is wilty like your sexy pirate’s heart when they meet the naval official determined to stop their pillaging. Worry about the hostile overtones of words like ‘pillaging.’ Keep writing.

  6. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, sugar, salt, basil, thyme, oregano, and pepper; simmer for 10 minutes, stir it a bit. You could do so many sexy things with tomatoes, sugar, paste, and salt. Make your pirate a chef just like you. Pirate chefs are sexy.

  7. Add flour and 3/4 cup broth or water. How will you make the government official sexy? Decide this is hopeless as a love interest. Substitute in a merperson. Way better. Maybe a manatee sidekick?

  8. Mix that until it forms a smooth paste. Pretend that paste is a plot.

  9. Admire your work. It smells pretty sexy, doesn’t it?

  10. Stir that pasteyness sort of slowly into the tomato mixture.

  11. Put the rest of the broth in there, too. Sigh in a sort of seductive way as your soup sighs at you.

  12. Make that boil like the unbridled emotions inside of you and also inside of your pirate chef.

  13. Stir for two minutes, or until it gets thick like a sexy sexy pirate chef.

  14. Reduce heat.

  15. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes of will they or won’t they get together.

  16. When tomatoes are tender take it off the heat.

  17. Find the cream. Dump it in. Stir it up. Serve. Feel pretty satisfied.


Recipe Notes

Adapted from Taste of Home and my Grammy Barnard. https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/fresh-cream-of-tomato-soup/

Grilled Potatoes with Cheese

Print Recipe
Grilled Potatoes With Cheese
This is for one Carrie or four people
Cuisine american, vegetarian
Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 75 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
Carrie
Ingredients
Cuisine american, vegetarian
Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 75 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
Carrie
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Put the grill on high
  2. Cut those potatoes into 12 slices, but don't cut all the way through like a critic's opinion of your new book.
  3. Put those potatoes on a plate and cheat. Think of it as giving yourself a little boost. Drink some wine. Put the potato plate in the microwave and nuke them for five minutes.
  4. Think that your next book should feature potatoes, microwaves, and wine.
  5. Celebrate yourself and your idea.
  6. Get aluminum foil and tear it into four big pieces of awesome. Think of each piece as a happy section of your book. Vow to write your next book in sections as you put a potato on the center of each piece of aluminum foil.
  7. Brush the garlic and butter in between the potato slices. DO NOT THINK OF THESE HOLES AS PLOT HOLES! Do not realize suddenly that there are plot holes in your book that just came out today. There aren't. You are just being neurotic, writer!
  8. Step away from your cell phone. Do not call anyone. Big breaths. Focus on potatoes.
  9. Encase those potatoes in the foil so they are all tightly closed in. Look at that! It's a nicely tight plot. No holes! See? Aren't you glad you didn't call or email or panic or anything?
  10. Cook 30 minutes.
  11. Take the potatoes off the grill. Be careful. Open up the packages and put pieces of cheese in between the slices. Your potato will not adhere to itself like a beautiful book narrative.
  12. Wrap them back up.
  13. Put them back on the grill for another five minutes or so.
  14. Celebrate. You've created something great! Season that greatness if you feel like it.

The Horror Writer’s Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire

We are in the camper in Maine in a campground in Maine and there is a creepy man in a pop-up tent nearby and it is Maine.

Maine is where Stephen King gets inspired.

Maine is also where writers rent out their houses to make money. Cough.

So, scary thoughts are happening, people. Thoughts that can only be cured by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that are warm. Yes! WARM!

MAN VERDICT

This is not vegetarian! It’s me peanut butter.

MY VERDICT

What?!?!

DOG’S VERDICT

Peanut butter should be a condiment.

WRITING NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed! 

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

In the Woods
In the Woods


ART NEWS

You can buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site. 

Carrie Jones Art for Sale

PATREON OF AWESOME

You can get exclusive content, early podcasts, videos, art and listen (or read) never-to-be-officially published writings of Carrie on her Patreon. Levels go from $1 to $100 (That one includes writing coaching and editing for you wealthy peeps). 

Check it out here. 

WHAT IS PATREON? Paragraph

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

Print Recipe
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
You haven't seen scary until you grill a PBJ.
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes plus eternity in hell and stuff. No big.
Servings
undead
Ingredients
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes plus eternity in hell and stuff. No big.
Servings
undead
Ingredients
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
Instructions
  1. Heat a skillet or griddle to 350-degrees Fahrenheit. Don't use a grill even if you're camping. Really. DO NOT USE A GRILL!
  2. Take bread. Put butter on one slide of each slice. Butter is a kind of lard, isn't it? Does this remind you of SILENCE OF THE LAMBS? Don't let it remind you.
  3. On the side the butter isn't on, spread the peanut butter. On the other slice's naked side, put the jelly. If your jelly is red, do not let that remind you of human blood. Don't let it make you even hungrier if you think of this. BE HUMAN! YOU ARE HUMAN, right?
  4. Promise this writer that you are using a griddle or a skillet because I am imagining terrifying things with peanut butter and jelly dripping on open flames. If you can promise this then go ahead and put a buttered slice on the skillet. Put the other slice on top.
  5. Look, humans. The peanut butter and jelly should be in the middle of the bread slices. Okay? NO MISTAKES HERE!
  6. Cook for about four minutes and flip that bad boy over, spank it with the spatula, and cook it four more minutes.

Brood Me Up – Cheese Daisies


Print Recipe


Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies

Cheese Daisies are amazing. The end.

This recipe is adapted from Charleston Receipts.

Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies Recipe

Prep Time 30 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes of chilling

Servings
people


Ingredients

Prep Time 30 minutes
Cook Time 12 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes of chilling

Servings
people


Ingredients

Brood Me Up - Cheese Daisies Recipe


Instructions
  1. Writers are supposed to be brooding. Let us brood

  2. Cream that butter and then cream the butter and cheeses together.

    Pretend it is everyone who ever told you that writers were supposed to brood.

  3. They don't define you. You define you.

  4. Sift flour with salt and pepper. Look at the grains clutch each other like a happy writer community. Add it into the creamed stuff.

  5. Writer communities are made up of all kind of writers with all kind of differences, damn it. And some of us are not brooding.

  6. Repeat after me as you chill for a half hour, "Writers can be happy. Writers can be happy."

  7. Once the dough is chill and you are chill (30 minutes) take it out of the chilling place and roll it out.

  8. Use a small biscuit cutter and feel good about it. Make some of them less uniform because EVERYTHING DOES NOT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE SAME!

  9. Regain your chill.

  10. Spray a sheet pan. But the cheese daisies into the oven that's at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Cook for 12 minutes.

  11. Eat all the servings. Be happy.

Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow

Print Recipe
Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow
Cooking With a Writer Presents the Best Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow Recipe ever to clog your arteries and give you joy.
Prep Time 25 minutes
Cook Time 25 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Prep Time 25 minutes
Cook Time 25 minutes
Servings
servings
Ingredients
Cooking With a Writer Presents the Best Chocolate Caramel Bars To Fight Sorrow Recipe ever to clog your arteries and give you joy.
Instructions
  1. Okay. Let's say it's almost your birthday and you're worried that nobody is going to remember or make the effort to make you a cake. YOU ARE A WRITER! You can do anything and deal with any outcome. You will make cake bars and that way you aren't making your own cake, but you also get to celebrate your birthday with sugar. SO TURN THE OVEN ON 350 Fahrenheit.
  2. Do not cry.
  3. Making cakes is just not some people's love language. It's okay. YOU ARE STILL LOVED.
  4. Find a big bowl. Resist the urge to hide in it. Instead combine cake mix, butter and 1/3 cup of milk.
  5. Look at you, gifting yourself with the gift of sugar that will go straight to your already shaking hands. Go writer! You go!
  6. Find an electric mixer, put the speed on medium. Beat that stuff until it feels smooth and you don't want to beat against your chest anymore.
  7. Prepare a baking pan with some sort of non-stick help (a spray, butter, vegetable oil) and then put half the dough you just made on it. Wish that people loved you. Wish that writing books was this easy.
  8. Find a sauce pan and put it on medium low heat. Add caramels and rest of the milk (⅓ cup) and still until it's all melted. Again we want it smooth, unlike actual life with its bumps and holes to fall into. Smooth.
  9. Pour that over the dough in the pan.
  10. Put the nuts on top. Put the chocolate pieces on top. Cheat and eat the chocolate now. Write an ode to chocolate. Worry about global warming's impact on chocolate. Go recycle things and come back and vow not to buy so much.
  11. Feel hopeless.
  12. Eat another piece of chocolate while you still can and then pour the rest of the dough on top of everything. It should be smooth and beautiful.
  13. Put that pan in the stove and bake for 25 minutes. Let it cool. Write. Make it into nice even bars. Eat it while still hoping someone makes you a birthday cake.
Recipe Notes

This recipe was inspired by Midwest Living, which has a ton of recipes on its awesome site, which you should totally check out. 

Buckeye Balls of Easy Land

I am not a baker. I’m more of a cook. 

Shaun legitimately just said to me today, “I’ve never seen anyone cook like you. You’re so good.”

And I said, “What about your mom and stuff?”

And he said, “Yeah. They were good cooks.”

And I said, “What’s different then?”

And he said, “Well, they follow directions.”

He quickly started laughing because he realized how mean that sounded. So,  we’re still married. 

Anyway. I’m not so good at following directions and baking? Baking usually requires that. So Buckeye Balls are one of my go-to recipes because they are easy.

Sorry if you’re reading this consecutively in the blog. There was a little hiccup here. 

Print Recipe
Buckeye Ball of Easy Land
Buckeye Balls Of Easy Land
Course dessert
Keyword buckeye
Prep Time 45 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Course dessert
Keyword buckeye
Prep Time 45 minutes
Cook Time 10 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes
Servings
people
Ingredients
Buckeye Balls Of Easy Land
Instructions
  1. FInd a baking sheet. Line it with wax paper. Think about whether if you were really desperate you could melt crayons and use that. Hope you are never that desperate for wax paper.
  2. Find a bowl. TAKE OFF YOUR BLING! Mix peanuts butter, confectioners' sugar and butter and vanilla WITH YOUR HANDS! Worry that this is way too tactile for you. Think about how clean it is to write fiction compared to this. Vow to never whine about your job again.
  3. Mix that stuff until the dough is smooth-looking like a sleazy man under the dim lights of a hotel bar in a small town in Maine. I don't know where that came from. Worry about your thought process. Does wax paper give off fumes that cause hallucinations or maybe bring up repressed memories? Anyways, shape the dough into little balls. Each should be about 2 teaspoons of dough. Put those balls on the waxed paper and shove it into the refrigerator.
  4. Find the stove. On the stove put water into a pan and make it simmer. Above that simmering pan put a bowl or another pan. In that top pan melt the chocolate with the shortening. Stir it. When it's smooth take it off the stove.
  5. Take the balls out of the fridge. Put toothpicks in the ball. Dip ball into chocolate. Put balls back onto our good friend, wax paper. Do this with every single ball. Put the pan of chocolate balls into the fridge for at least 30 minutes. Rejoice. Try not to think about wax paper shortages, sleazy men in hotel bars, or the fact that your hands are going to forever smell like peanut butter.
Recipe Notes

You can put the toothpicks in the balls before you put them in the fridge or after you take them out.

Don't forget to take the toothpicks out before you give people the buckeyes!