Butter My Biscuit Recipe

Sometimes, you just have to make biscuits. Sometimes, you don’t want to buy a whole big thing of buttermilk to make biscuits. This, my friend, is why God created plain yogurt.

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Biscuits Without Buttermilk, Baby
Butter my biscuits recipe
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Servings
Ingredients
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Servings
Ingredients
Butter my biscuits recipe
Instructions
  1. Okay, writers. Are you ready? You can do this.
  2. Find your oven. Put the rack to the second lowest place it can be in the oven. Close the door. Turn the oven onto 400-degrees Fahrenheit. Think about the word Fahrenheit. Darn that is such a fun word.
  3. Say it a few times for fun, "Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit." Start singing it.
  4. Continue singing as you sift flour into a bowl. While you add sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt, turn that chant into a song. Give it a Billie Eilish vibe as you whisk for about 1 minute.
  5. Realize you should not write Russian-sized novels and should be a songwriter instead. That would be cool, right?
  6. Imagine accepting your Grammy for songwriting as you add the butter.
  7. Smash the butter cubes. Make them flat. Do not make your song flat, that would be depressing.
  8. Rub and smash and mix that butter until it has almost completely disappeared - like your dreams of a Pulitzer. It's okay. You have Grammy dreams now.
  9. Get the yogurt out of the fridge and add it. Let the flour take it into its mix. Does it look dry? DO NOT STRESS. Mix it until it all comes together like a really tight band singing your Fahrenheit song.
  10. Is it kind of a ball now? Good. Put it on a surface that you've sprinkled some flour on.
  11. Sing.
  12. Make that dough kind of square. Make it 1/2 inch thick. Sing more. Fold the square in half. Fold it two more times. Pat it like you're patting the bunny and that bunny is now only ¾ inch thick. Cut those babies into 1 3/4-inch circles.
  13. THINK OF A BISCUIT SONG! That could be your second hit. Decide to call it, "Butter my Biscuit as you put the dough circles in a 10-inch cast iron skillet.
  14. Put it in the oven for 20 minutes. Rest for 5 minutes. During that time go buy songwriting software even though you were too cheap to buy buttermilk, you writing dork, you. Enjoy the carbs!
Recipe Notes

This wonderful recipe was adapted from Serious Eats and Stella Parks, who is a genius and has a much easier to follow version and all sorts of good stuff. You should check them out and also eat biscuits

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Hush That Puppy – Cooking With a Writer – Vegetarian Recipes

Drain the balls on paper towel. Eat them all. Forget about serving size. Just eat them all.


Print Recipe


Hush That Puppy - Cooking With a Writer - Vegetarian Recipes

When The Man gets cranky about vegetarian food, I basically just cook him baked goods...

MAN VERDICT - I am in the South again.
DOG VERDICT - Why are onions in here?
CARRIE VERDICT - Yes. I like this.

Hush That Puppy - Vegetarian Recipes Cooking with a Writer

Course side dish
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Keyword hushpuppy

Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time about 10 minutes

Servings
humans


Ingredients

Course side dish
Cuisine southern, vegetarian
Keyword hushpuppy

Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time about 10 minutes

Servings
humans


Ingredients

Hush That Puppy - Vegetarian Recipes Cooking with a Writer


Instructions
  1. Look at all those dry ingredients. They are so dry. Let's make them love each other and mix them all together.

  2. Oh, man. That's too much homogeneity. It's like writing a book and having every sentence start with "THE WHITE MAN SAID."

    Nobody wants a book like that. Cough. Nobody better want ta book like that. So add the minced onion. Then add the egg and the milk all beaten together. Make them look like circles kind of.

  3. Okay. Get some fat. Pour that into a deep stove-safe pot. Get it super hot.

    Drop little spoonful (balls) of the concoction into that boiling fat.

    Do not imagine that is your stomach.

    Do not imagine anything negative. We are comfort fooding here and writers need comfort food.

  4. When those little spoonfuls float? They are done. Like a witch during the horrible times when they'd dunk them to see if they were witches.

    WHY DID YOUR MIND EVEN GO THERE?

  5. Wow. It's a bad day.

    Drain the balls on paper towel. Eat them all. Forget about serving size. Just eat them all.


Recipe Notes

Hush That Puppy - Vegetarian Recipes Cooking with a Writer