Upcoming Blog Break
Hi, everyone! I’m going to be taking a holiday blog break except for the weekday dog-inspiration posts next week starting today.
That’s because it’s the holidays here and they are holidays that I celebrate.
So in the spirit of the holidays let me tell you that:
I HATE grocery carts.
No offense to you if you are reading this and you are, in fact, a grocery cart.
Why? Why do I hate them?
Well, because you have to drive them.
This is bad because:
- 1. I’m not a good driver.
- 2. There’s no horn on the grocery cart and sometimes you really REALLY need a horn like when the woman with the kid singing the Baby Shark song blocks THE ENTIRE PRODUCE AISLE because she’s parked her ginormous grocery cart sideways. SIDEWAYS!!! What is she thinking?
- 3. I can’t steer.
- 4. I really can’t steer grocery carts when one of the four dinky wheels goes all Tar-rat-rat-rah-rat because it’s off balance.
- 5. I tend to knock things over.
- 6. I’m a floater not a driver.
- 7. Did I mention I’m not a good driver?
So, today I buy MASSIVE amounts of food for the holidays and go absolutely in debt for the rest of my life.
Side note #1: Why do crackers cost $4.99?
Side note #2: And I haven’t bought sliced meat for a long, long time because I am anti-sliced meat. NO OFFENSE TO YOU IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE A PIECE OF SALAMI. I bought it to wrap asparagus in and it costs like a MILLION TRILLION dollars.
But I did it. Right? I did it. I even pushed the grocery cart through the icy parking lot, put it in the holding cell where all naughty shopping carts go. If we let them loose they’ll take over the parking lot. Seriously. I’ve seen it happen.
I make it all the way home even though I swear all the drivers in front of me are all channeling
and then I realize. I’ve forgotten drinks! I’ve forgotten protein!
AND I HAVE TO GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please come save me. I’ll be the tired looking writer pinned by the monster grocery cart in the juice aisle.
LEARN WITH ME AT THE WRITING BARN!
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IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, ORDER NOW!
My new book, IN THE WOODS, is out!
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
Order this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
Buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site.
PATREON OF AWESOME
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WHAT IS PATREON?
A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you.