The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing

Print Recipe
The Cream of Tomato Soup of Romance Writing
The man who lives here hates all things tomato (except spaghetti sauce and ketchup). We made this anyway. Romance is not dead. Is it?
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Course soup
Cuisine american
Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 30 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Find a BIG saucepan. Think about writing romance. The word “BIG” always seems to be in romances.
  2. Imagine the saucepan is representative of all your future readers longing for a sexy, romantic book that you will give them. Feel good for a hot second before you realize that you’re just imagining.
  3. Put the saucepan over medium heat.
  4. Be impressed still. Look, you’re trying right? Prepublished is just published with a pre. Imagine the plot of your romance. Will there be a pirate? No. Too done. A female pirate? Maybe. A nonbinary pirate. That sounds pretty cool, actually.
  5. Melt butter. Put onions in butter. Saute it until the butter is wilty like your sexy pirate’s heart when they meet the naval official determined to stop their pillaging. Worry about the hostile overtones of words like ‘pillaging.’ Keep writing.
  6. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, sugar, salt, basil, thyme, oregano, and pepper; simmer for 10 minutes, stir it a bit. You could do so many sexy things with tomatoes, sugar, paste, and salt. Make your pirate a chef just like you. Pirate chefs are sexy.
  7. Add flour and 3/4 cup broth or water. How will you make the government official sexy? Decide this is hopeless as a love interest. Substitute in a merperson. Way better. Maybe a manatee sidekick?
  8. Mix that until it forms a smooth paste. Pretend that paste is a plot.
  9. Admire your work. It smells pretty sexy, doesn’t it?
  10. Stir that pasteyness sort of slowly into the tomato mixture.
  11. Put the rest of the broth in there, too. Sigh in a sort of seductive way as your soup sighs at you.
  12. Make that boil like the unbridled emotions inside of you and also inside of your pirate chef.
  13. Stir for two minutes, or until it gets thick like a sexy sexy pirate chef.
  14. Reduce heat.
  15. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes of will they or won’t they get together.
  16. When tomatoes are tender take it off the heat.
  17. Find the cream. Dump it in. Stir it up. Serve. Feel pretty satisfied.
Recipe Notes

Adapted from Taste of Home and my Grammy Barnard. https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/fresh-cream-of-tomato-soup/

Potato Cheddar Soup of Bad Dialogue

“Your dialogue is bad.”

Ugh.

It’s possibly the best most comforting soup and one of the most annoying criticisms an author can hear. Combined.

I hope you like it!

Print Recipe
Potato Cheddar Soup of Bad Dialogue
Cooking With a Writer - Cheddar Potato Soup of Bad Dialogue #writing #cooking
Course soup
Cuisine american
Servings
Ingredients
Course soup
Cuisine american
Servings
Ingredients
Cooking With a Writer - Cheddar Potato Soup of Bad Dialogue #writing #cooking
Instructions
  1. Boil the water.
  2. Ignore the agent's beta reader who said your dialogue was forced. HAS SHE EVER LEFT HER HOUSE? It's Covid-19 time. Everybody's dialogue is forced.
  3. Make sure you're boiling the water in the soup pot.
  4. Once the water is boiling (like your temper. Bad dialogue? Seriously), add potatoes, onions, salt and celery.
  5. Put a cover on that soup pot. Put it on medium heat because if things boil over it gets messy. (This includes your temper.)
  6. Leave it for 15 minutes.
  7. Write some dialogue. "I hate you with the passion of a thousand kitty mugs, Dirk." "And I love you, Karen, with the love of a thousand social media posts never gone viral."
  8. Find another pot, maybe a saucepan, the kind that holds two quarts.
  9. In that pot melt the butter. Make that a low heat. Butter burns just like criticism over dialogue.
  10. Add in a really slow way the cheese. Add flour next.
  11. Now slowly add the milk, spices, herbs and use a whisk.
  12. Practice dialogue on the whisk.
  13. "I love you with the love of a million political pundits," you tell the whisk.
  14. "And I you," says the whisk. "Which means I love you not at all."
  15. There! That was good, right?
  16. When it is all blended, add the cheese to the potatoes and onions in the big pot.
  17. Add tomatoes.
  18. Stir it all up.
  19. Put it on super low heat for fifteen minutes. This time do not have the cover on.
  20. Stir a lot because cheese, butter, and flour like to burn.
  21. Done!
  22. Go buy a book on writing effective dialogue and eat your pain away.
Recipe Notes

This is taken from my favorite vegetarian cookbook of my youth, Horn of the Moon Cookbook by Ginny Callan and it got me through many sad times. It's super comforting. 

Poppy Seed Lemon Summer Squash Bread of WRITER WEIRDNESS

Sometimes you have too much squash.

It’s like when you’re writing a book and you have too much of one element? Like there are forty-two pages of dialogue, just straight dialogue. Or maybe fifty-eight pages of description, and that description is all about a paper towel on your desk that’s been there since July to catch the condensation from your glasses.

So what do you do when that happens?

You mix it up and things and make something new. Balance is key. Or something… right? That’s what all the influencer gurus say at least.

Print Recipe
Poppy Seed Lemon Summer Squash Bread of WRITER WEIRDNESS
Course bread
Cuisine american
Keyword bread
Servings
Course bread
Cuisine american
Keyword bread
Servings
Instructions
  1. Find oven. It should be in the kitchen. Put it on 325 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2. Find something to grease things with.
  3. Make it butter or oil, actually.
  4. Grease two loaf pans. Now ignore those loaf pans like a bad subplot.
  5. Find a nice bowl. Imagine putting it on your head. Don't. Or do it. Take a photo. Put it on the gram. Imagine you'll rebrand yourself THE GOOFY AUTHOR OF GOOFINESS. Wonder if this would get you more than four readers.
  6. Put your melted butter, sugar, lemon juice and zest, almond flavor and vanilla extract in that mixing bowl once your head is out of the bowl and your photo is nicely filtered and on the gram.
  7. Wonder if calling Instagram, 'the gram,' without capitalizing is wrong.
  8. Decide that if it's wrong, you don't care. It's just part of your goofy new brand.
  9. Cream together all that stuff in the bowl and make it all fluffy and light in color, about 1 to 2 minutes.
  10. Add the eggs. Do this one at a time like they are characters. Let each egg get a nice introduction and fully incorporated into the mixture (aka scene) before adding another egg.
  11. Sprinkle the salt, baking soda, and baking powder over the top of the stuff in the bowl like it's setting and exposition on top of the character development and plot.
  12. Admire your work. Mix it all up until it's a beautiful seamless story, I mean, batter.
  13. Okay. Breathe. There is still a bit more to do. Add flour a 1/2 cup at a time.
  14. Like the eggs, mix it all in before you add more.
  15. Fold in the squash and poppy seeds. Think that this is weird.
  16. Decide that it's okay to be weird. EMBRACE YOUR WEIRD, AUTHOR!
  17. Remember your subplot loaf pans.
  18. Put the same amount of batter in each.
  19. Bake for 1 hour.
  20. LOOK AT YOU! SUCCESS!
Recipe Notes

While this recipe ABSOLUTELY WORKS, thank you very much. It is adapted from the brilliant and awesome Wanderlust Kitchen. Go give them some love! There are a lot of cool recipes there! 

Hungover Writer Burrito

Everyone. I’ve decided to try my COOKING WITH A WRITER POSTS again. Let me know if you want me to stop.

And this one is one of my last ones. I’m channelling back. 🙂

Sometimes your writer self (the vegetarian kind) might need a bit of a pick-me-up after a long night of channeling Hemingway or any of the other dead authors of the 1900s or living authors of the 1980s.

Here is our offering, tweaked and twisted from a really good recipe (see the notes) and super yummy.

BRAVE THING I’M DOING

Pretty soon, I’m going to have a Teachable class all about the scene. It’s going to be pretty cheap and hopefully you’ll sign up and like it.

COME WRITE WITH ME! 

I coach, have a group class that involves coaching and edit, and I straight-up edit things. Find out more here. 


WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.

The podcast link if you don’t see it above. Plus, it’s everywhere like Apple Music, iTunesStitcherSpotify, and more. Just google, “DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE” then like and subscribe.

Join the 252,000 people who have downloaded episodes and marveled at our raw weirdness. You can subscribe pretty much anywhere.


Last week’s episode about poop, dentists, surgery, flavored alcohol and Jung. 

This week’s episode! Five Writing Quotes to Make You Feel Better About Things!

A bonus podcast with Jessica Burkhart! 

A link to our podcast about fatal errors, scenes, and ghost reaper sauce

Print Recipe
Hungover Writer Burritos
Man Verdict: YOU do NOT have to be hungover to eat this. Or a writer. My Verdict: All vegetarian burritos are good burritos. Dog Verdict: They'd only let us eat the plain rice and the tortillas. No fun at all.
Burritos
Cuisine american
Keyword burrito
Servings
Ingredients
  • 2 cups • cooked rice that you’ve already cooked or cook it now
  • 2 whole • limes (Juiced like the Energizer Bunny man – but not. Oh, that’s gross now that I think about it. Juiced like highly motivated and squeezed out, okay?)
  • 2 tablespoons • fresh cilantro Chopped. I like to scissor mine.
  • half whole onion Diced
  • 4 cloves garlic Minced or whatever.
  • 2 tablespoons • vegetable oil
  • 1 can • can black beans or pinto beans (drain those bad boys like a writer who is trying to gether last 1 666 words of her 234,500-word novel about narwahl egosa post-Instagram age), 15-ounce
  • 1 tablespoon chili powder
  • .5 teaspoon cumin
  • 1 tablespoon • hot sauce (Or more if you’re pro spicy. I am pro spicy. It makes me remember that I’m alive. Less if you’re my mother. She is dead so I hope you aren’t my mother.)
  • Any • Salt if you’re into that.
  • Some • Flour tortillas because this is not a Keto recipe.
Cuisine american
Keyword burrito
Servings
Ingredients
  • 2 cups • cooked rice that you’ve already cooked or cook it now
  • 2 whole • limes (Juiced like the Energizer Bunny man – but not. Oh, that’s gross now that I think about it. Juiced like highly motivated and squeezed out, okay?)
  • 2 tablespoons • fresh cilantro Chopped. I like to scissor mine.
  • half whole onion Diced
  • 4 cloves garlic Minced or whatever.
  • 2 tablespoons • vegetable oil
  • 1 can • can black beans or pinto beans (drain those bad boys like a writer who is trying to gether last 1 666 words of her 234,500-word novel about narwahl egosa post-Instagram age), 15-ounce
  • 1 tablespoon chili powder
  • .5 teaspoon cumin
  • 1 tablespoon • hot sauce (Or more if you’re pro spicy. I am pro spicy. It makes me remember that I’m alive. Less if you’re my mother. She is dead so I hope you aren’t my mother.)
  • Any • Salt if you’re into that.
  • Some • Flour tortillas because this is not a Keto recipe.
Burritos
Instructions
  1. 1. Toss the rice and cilantro. Do it in a microwave-safe bowl. Don’t just toss it. You aren’t still drunk are you? NYE was two days ago, writer! Get a grip!
  2. 2. Drizzle lime juice on it. Think about how the word drizzle is a cool word.
  3. 3. Drizzle.
  4. 4. Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds or so.
  5. 5. Take it out of the microwave.
  6. 6. Stir it, but not super enthusiastically. More like a last revision pass where you’re just putting in the time and trying to find out how many times you’ve made your characters nod. 87? That’s too many.
  7. 7. Back to cooking. In a big skillet, saute garlic and onion in oil for ttwo minutes. The onion wants to be soft like the protagonist’s skin in a romantic thriller featuring damsels and pirates. The damsel is the protagonist.
  8. 8. Lower the heat (medium-low). Add beans. Put the cumin, hot sauce, and chili powder on there. Roll with salt if you’re into that. Let it cook for five minutes.
  9. 9. Put rice into tortillas. Put bean mixture in tortillas. Realize you did not warm up the tortillas.
  10. 10. Warm up those tortillas in the microwave (under paper towel that’s damp for 15 seconds) if that’s how you roll or in an oiled-pan on the stovetop (low heat) if you’re like that. It really depends on your level of lazy. If you’re still hung-over, I’m guessing that lazy level is high.
  11. 11. Eat.
  12. 12. Watch Hulu or Netflix or something while you eat. Claim it’s book research. Realize that in 2020 writers lie like that to themselves. That’s why they do fiction. Be glad you write fiction
  13. 13. Eat more.
  14. 14. Go get a beer to go with it. Actually get the whole case so you don’t have to get up off the couch too many times.
  15. 15. Realize you’ll have to make this again tomorrow. Decide you’re okay with that.
Recipe Notes

This is adapted from a much better recipe on the amazing website of awesome called Spruce Eats. You can find it here. 

 

Writers! Eat Your Coffee in Brownie Form Recipe!

This recipe is adapted from Billy Parisi’s and Billy’s is much more easy to follow! He also has beautiful photos on his website so you should check it out! 

Print Recipe
WRITERS! EAT YOUR COFFEE, BROWNIES!
coffee in brownies
Cuisine american
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 45 minutes
Passive Time 45 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
Cuisine american
Prep Time 15 minutes
Cook Time 45 minutes
Passive Time 45 minutes
Servings
Ingredients
coffee in brownies
Instructions
  1. Turn the oven on to 350°. Not in a sexy way. Just set it to that temperature. Realize you need coffee.
  2. Dump the kitten out of your big bowl. Replace her with all the ingredients. Combine it. Wish you had coffee.
  3. Think about the writer Honore de Balzac who allegedly drank 50 cups of coffee a day! He would even eat the grounds to get caffeinated more quickly.
  4. Feel badly for him.
  5. Although, to be fair, people ARE still talking about him hundreds of years later.
  6. Coat a 9x9 or 8x8 baking dish with cooking spray.
  7. Pour batter into the dish. Think more about coffee. Go make some. It worked for de Balzac.
  8. Bake 40 to 45 minutes. That brownie center should be slightly firm. No mushy middles for our manuscripts or our brownies, writers!
  9. Think more about coffee. Make another cup. Smell the brownies.
  10. Cool to room temperature. DO NOT SNORT OR INGEST the hot brownies! Do not do a de Balzac! Have patience, writer friend. No burnt mouths and noses here.
Recipe Notes

This recipe is adapted from Billy Parisi's and Billy's is much more easy to follow! He also has beautiful photos on his website so you should check it out! 

 

Grilled Potatoes with Cheese


Print Recipe


Grilled Potatoes With Cheese

This is for one Carrie or four people

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 75 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes

Servings
Carrie


Ingredients

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 20 minutes
Cook Time 75 minutes
Passive Time 30 minutes

Servings
Carrie


Ingredients


Instructions
  1. Put the grill on high

  2. Cut those potatoes into 12 slices, but don't cut all the way through like a critic's opinion of your new book.

  3. Put those potatoes on a plate and cheat. Think of it as giving yourself a little boost. Drink some wine. Put the potato plate in the microwave and nuke them for five minutes.

  4. Think that your next book should feature potatoes, microwaves, and wine.

  5. Celebrate yourself and your idea.

  6. Get aluminum foil and tear it into four big pieces of awesome. Think of each piece as a happy section of your book. Vow to write your next book in sections as you put a potato on the center of each piece of aluminum foil.

  7. Brush the garlic and butter in between the potato slices. DO NOT THINK OF THESE HOLES AS PLOT HOLES! Do not realize suddenly that there are plot holes in your book that just came out today. There aren't. You are just being neurotic, writer!

  8. Step away from your cell phone. Do not call anyone. Big breaths. Focus on potatoes.

  9. Encase those potatoes in the foil so they are all tightly closed in. Look at that! It's a nicely tight plot. No holes! See? Aren't you glad you didn't call or email or panic or anything?

  10. Cook 30 minutes.

  11. Take the potatoes off the grill. Be careful. Open up the packages and put pieces of cheese in between the slices. Your potato will not adhere to itself like a beautiful book narrative.

  12. Wrap them back up.

  13. Put them back on the grill for another five minutes or so.

  14. Celebrate. You've created something great! Season that greatness if you feel like it.

The Horror Writer’s Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire

We are in the camper in Maine in a campground in Maine and there is a creepy man in a pop-up tent nearby and it is Maine.

Maine is where Stephen King gets inspired.

Maine is also where writers rent out their houses to make money. Cough.

So, scary thoughts are happening, people. Thoughts that can only be cured by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that are warm. Yes! WARM!

MAN VERDICT

This is not vegetarian! It’s me peanut butter.

MY VERDICT

What?!?!

DOG’S VERDICT

Peanut butter should be a condiment.

WRITING NEWS

IN THE WOODS – READ AN EXCERPT, PREORDER NOW!

My next book, IN THE WOODS, appears in July with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed! 

You can preorder this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?

In the Woods
In the Woods


ART NEWS

You can buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site. 

Carrie Jones Art for Sale

PATREON OF AWESOME

You can get exclusive content, early podcasts, videos, art and listen (or read) never-to-be-officially published writings of Carrie on her Patreon. Levels go from $1 to $100 (That one includes writing coaching and editing for you wealthy peeps). 

Check it out here. 

WHAT IS PATREON? Paragraph

A lot of you might be new to Patreon and not get how it works. That’s totally cool. New things can be scary, but there’s a cool primer HERE that explains how it works. The short of it is this: You give Patreon your paypal or credit card # and they charge you whatever you level you choose at the end of each month. That money supports me sharing my writing and art and podcasts and weirdness with you. 

Print Recipe
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
You haven't seen scary until you grill a PBJ.
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes plus eternity in hell and stuff. No big.
Servings
undead
Ingredients
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes plus eternity in hell and stuff. No big.
Servings
undead
Ingredients
The Horror Writer's Peanut Butter and Jelly on Fire
Instructions
  1. Heat a skillet or griddle to 350-degrees Fahrenheit. Don't use a grill even if you're camping. Really. DO NOT USE A GRILL!
  2. Take bread. Put butter on one slide of each slice. Butter is a kind of lard, isn't it? Does this remind you of SILENCE OF THE LAMBS? Don't let it remind you.
  3. On the side the butter isn't on, spread the peanut butter. On the other slice's naked side, put the jelly. If your jelly is red, do not let that remind you of human blood. Don't let it make you even hungrier if you think of this. BE HUMAN! YOU ARE HUMAN, right?
  4. Promise this writer that you are using a griddle or a skillet because I am imagining terrifying things with peanut butter and jelly dripping on open flames. If you can promise this then go ahead and put a buttered slice on the skillet. Put the other slice on top.
  5. Look, humans. The peanut butter and jelly should be in the middle of the bread slices. Okay? NO MISTAKES HERE!
  6. Cook for about four minutes and flip that bad boy over, spank it with the spatula, and cook it four more minutes.

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation


Print Recipe


I Just Can't Any More Spinach Miso Noodles

This is adapted from a GH recipe.

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes

Servings
people who don't eat a lot


Ingredients

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 5 minutes

Servings
people who don't eat a lot


Ingredients

Spinach Miso Noodles of Desperation


Instructions
  1. Let's say you're earning some extra money on REEDSY, but the STRIPE account isn't working because the STRIPE people don't think you're real or something? That's the kind of recipe this is.

  2. And let's say you're supposed to get money on Monday, and then no, it's Wednesday, nope forget it - Friday now - because they have to keep 'verifying' your account. That's the kind of recipe this is.

  3. This is the recipe of desperation, writers.

  4. So get a big saucepan and put water in it. Water is almost free, right? You can still afford that.

  5. Put it on a burner. Put the burner on medium.

  6. Find a bowl. Whisk ½ cup boiling water in with the miso paste. Try not to cackle Try not to cry. Try not to think about how much miso paste costs.

  7. Put rice boodles in the pot. Follow their directions and get them tender, tender like your bank account, tender like your little writer heart.

  8. Stir.

  9. Add tofu, spinach, oil, miso stuff.

  10. Stir until that spinach looks wilted and sad like your bank account.

  11. Serve with eggs if you're playing like that.

What the Hummus is in that Quesadilla?


Print Recipe
What the Hummus is in that Quesadilla?
This is from the fantastic blog, Cookie and Kate (of awesome).
What the Hummus is in that Quesadilla? Hummus Quesadilla recipe from Cooking with a Writer, vegetarian recipes with a weird twist.
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes
Servings
normal people
Cuisine american
Prep Time 5 minutes
Cook Time 8 minutes
Servings
normal people
What the Hummus is in that Quesadilla? Hummus Quesadilla recipe from Cooking with a Writer, vegetarian recipes with a weird twist.
Instructions
  1. Put hummus all over the tortilla. Realize this is so outside of the box. This is like having a hamster and a human fall in love in a YA THRILLER outside the box.
  2. Go for it anyway. Critics be damned.
  3. Spread the rest of the fillings over one half of the tortilla.
  4. Seriously. WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK! This is the mash-up to end all mash-ups like if you crossed TRUE BLOOD with GO DOG GO.
  5. Fold those tortillas in half. Brush with olive oil.
  6. Heat up a pan on medium. Put the quesadillas in it. Cook for two minutes. Flip. Cook two minutes more. Brush with oil. Flip again until both sides are a pretty golden color.
  7. Dude Should you write a TRUE BLOOD/GO DOG GO mashup? How about a HUNGER GAMES/LOOKING FOR ALASKA mashup?
  8. Eat your quesadilla and realize that sometimes writers brains are weird. Be good with that. Who wants to be normal?

Raspberry Pie


Print Recipe


Raspberry Pie of Bravery

This is adapted from the great HORN OF THE MOON COOKBOOK by Ginny Callan

raspberry pie of courage and quotes

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 40 minutes
Passive Time 2 hours

Servings
humans


Ingredients

Cuisine american, vegetarian

Prep Time 10 minutes
Cook Time 40 minutes
Passive Time 2 hours

Servings
humans


Ingredients

raspberry pie of courage and quotes


Instructions
  1. Put the oven on 375-degrees Fahrenheit

  2. Think about Brene Brown and how she is telling you that you always have to take risks. Making this damn pie is taking a risk because raspberries are so damn expensive.

  3. Feel powerful for taking a risk.

  4. Oh damn. Honey is expensive too. Pretend you are not a starving writer, but a bad-a** woman with a six-figure book deal, a Brene Brown of writers selling your ideas about courage to other writers and you can totally afford honey and raspberries, damn it.

  5. Put the expensive honey, flour, and cream all in a bowl and beat them there until your dreams come true and you are this writer. No, actually just beat it until there are no lumps.

  6. Now, be gentle writers. Pretend the expensive raspberries are your creations, your book babies, and you want to gentle stir them into this mixture, which represents the book buying public aka readers.

  7. Pour it all into the pie crust.

  8. Pray that it will be good and not a sad, little mess. Channel your inner Brene Brown and repeat for 40 minutes, "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."

  9. Once 40 minutes is over , take the pie out. It looks good, doesn't it? Look at you, brave one! Taking the risks. Leaving courage via story and honey and raspberries and other expensive ingredients.

  10. Refrigerate it for 2 hours and go watch TED Talks by B. Brown.